Ten Ways Churches Attempt To Be Modern

Okay, before I launch in to my list of 10 ways I think churches try to be modern, I want to say that I don’t necessarily think all these ideas are bad… just a little funny.
10. Name Tags
Most churches worth there snuff have greeters to meet people at the door and then never talk to them again, but the new modern church adds name tags to the mix. Now you, as a visitor, can know the names of everyone who doesn’t talk to you.

9. Toms
Tom shoes are so hot right now (yes, said like Will Ferrell in Zoolander). I love me some Toms, but you can now tell how hip a church is by how many people in their worship team wear Toms, there is a chart… we won’t go into that. Oh also, if the pastor is wearing Toms? Forget about it! ** What? your church doesn’t have a worship team? …uh, this list doesn’t apply to you

8. The "use to be Baptist" Church/The word “fellowship”
Notice how more and more churches are dropping the word “Baptist” from their titles?
“Isn’t that a Baptist church?”
“Uh, no. It is Mountain Oak Church, not Mountain Oak Baptist Church. Duh. Don’t you want to come now?”Or if they were never Baptist they may just add “fellowship” in their name.
“Shhh… We are called ‘Grace Free Fellowship’ don’t tell anyone we are a church.” Ha ha! Fooled people into coming!

7. Pews vs. linkable chairs
I like the linkable chairs, you know those chairs that all hook together and move as one long column representing the body of Christ linking together? …Okay maybe not. However I like the linkable chairs over pews because they’re usually better cushioned.

6. Drum box thingy
I grew up in a strict “no drums at church” regime, so to me a church with drums is fairly cool. However, if the drum set is on stage and has one of those plastic boxes around them (my drummer brother informs me they are called “drum shields”) then you know this church is ultra modern.
Side note: Yes, I grew up with no “devil rock music” and now my little brother plays the drums, I love the journey God has had my family on.

5. The velvet offering bag
I have no idea way this gets a number on the list, except that I needed it to make 10. However, it is kind of modern-ish to have one of those burgundy velvet offering bags with the wooden handles as opposed to the old fashioned offering plates.
4. The worship sandwichYou know what I mean. The service that starts with a few songs (or 1 song… see # 3) and ends with a few songs. Not a bad idea really, but here is how I think it started.

Scene: Church Staff meeting

Pastor: We need a way to end our service differently. I feel like ending on announcements is a little weak sauce.
Youth Pastor: *chuckles*
Worship Pastor: I don't know about that Pastor Phil, Elder John was pretty funny with announcements last Sunday.
Church Secretary: Can't we just dismiss right after the sermon?
Pastor: Uh, no.
Children's Past... Children’s Director: Just nothing that is going to make the service longer, it already takes the parents so long to pick up their kids. And I’m usually up there subbing for someone. I haven’t been in "big church" in… I don’t even remember "big church".
*awkward pause*
Youth Pastor: Why don't we end on a song? The youth band is getting really–Worship Pastor: That's a great idea! I could do a music set before and after the sermon. That way we start and end with worship!
Children’s Director: *sigh*
*awkward pause*Youth Pastor: Pastor Phil… I like your Toms.
3. Long songs
You know you are really praising when in 30 minutes you sing approximately 1½ songs. “Hallelujah! Did you get our church's new worship CD? It is 2 hours of worship with 5 beautiful tracks!”
2. Background images during worship
I feel like I’m picking on worship pastors/leaders/director type-people here. Sorry, it is just because you are such good sports. But you know those big, moving, projected scenes you have looping behind you during the singing time? Yeah, those are awesome.
1. Naming everything
I think the youth group, children’s ministry, singles group, older singles group, college/career group, women’s ministry, puppet ministry, AA group, elderly ministry, life groups, mom’s group and community outreach club should all have different names… and t-shirts. Did I miss a group? Men’s? Uh, no I didn’t miss that one. Unity everyone!

What would you add to this list?