When music tells you what you are thinking

Sometimes when things are a regular part of my life I assume they are a regular part of other peoples' lives as well. I could be wrong though, I could be like those people who see letters in specific colors and for years don’t realize that most people don’t see letters in specific colors, we just see them the regular boring way. Uh… yeah, that was a real relatable example.

In any case, I have no idea if this happens to anyone else, but sometimes I’ll be listening to (or more likely singing along with) a song and I’ll have to stop and think about what I just sang. Suddenly, it is like the lyrics of the song have just told me what I really think about something.

For example, over a year ago I was struggling with the idea of leaving my home church of the past 10 something years. I loved it there and was miserable there at the same time. I didn’t know if I really wanted to leave or not, or if God wanted me to stay or go.

Then I started singing along in my car (which is where most of my awesome singing goes down) to a *Lenka song and I realized everything I was singing I was directing towards my church. That probably sounds really strange seeing as the song is about a breakup… but hey, true story.

It was seriously like Lenka had crawled into my head, figured out how I really felt about the situation, wrote this song, put it on a CD and made sure I listened to it. But let’s be real, Lenka is awesome, but she’s not omnipotent.

God is omnipotent. I’m not saying God had some Australian songwriter write a song just for me, but I do believe God uses all kinds of things to talk to us and get our attention. I have a friend who told me once that every time she saw little yellow flowers God was telling her, “I love you”. Little yellow flowers are pretty, but they don't mean that much to me, but they meant something to her. In my case, as many times in my life, God used a song— a secular song even, to talk to me. (Actually, He uses Lenka songs with me often, her love song “Don’t let me fall” turns into a worship song/prayer every time I hear it).

Not that I didn't spend a LOT of time praying about my decision to leave my church, I did. But that song really opened my eyes to how I felt and what steps needed to be taken. God is so amazing I love that He speaks to me in my language.

Whether it is Mumford & Sons, Florence + The Machine or some good old David Crowder Band, music seems to be something God uses to talk to me. It this just me? Do songs ever tell you things about yourself you weren’t expecting?

I can’t be the only one this happens to, I don’t think it is like those lucky synesthetes, it think this must happen to lots of other people too. Or maybe it is something else God uses in your life. Whatever it is that God uses to speak to you I’d love to hear about it! Leave me a comment. I'd love to hear what God uses to reach out and talks to you.

Edit: * For those of you who have asked (no one asked), this is the Lenka song I sang about my church. Take it with a grain of salt, it wasn't a perfect comparison, but it made me realize what I already knew. 

The End Of The World

So my twitter and Tumblr feeds are already being filled with Rapture jokes. Because, you know, there is little funnier than the end of the world!

One of my favorite quips is the suggestion to get Chick-Fil-A today since all its workers will be Raptured tomorrow. And I love the idea I got from Tumblr of leaving a pair of shoes somewhere with some dry ice in them (he he). Also, my favorite shoe brand is having an "End of the World" sale, because you should look good if the end is coming.

I’m ignoring the comments about how the world would be a better place if all the Christians were indeed Raptured (hurtful!).

I have to say with all this, I am really looking forward to all the Jesus Jukes that are coming. I mean, when Osama was killed it started a fierce Twitter debate over how Christians should respond, accompanied by Bible verses and fake quotes from famous dead people. I anticipate to no less from Rapture Day 2011.

So in preparation for the expected world’s end (man, I thought that was going down in 2012) I have made a few lists. One list is just for me and contains things I need to do before the twinkling of an eye. Included are things like: Make sure I’m caught up on “The Big Bang Theory” (the show, not the actually theory), clean my room (I’d hate to leave a mess behind) and find a heathen to take care of my dog (unless it is true that all dogs go to heaven).

However, the list I’d like to share with all of you is my predictions for what will be the most popular tweets/Facebook statuses tomorrow. Here we go:

Verses:
- Matthew 24:36 “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.”

- 1 Thessalonians 5:2 “For you know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night.”

- 2 Peter 3:10 But the day of the Lord will come like a thief, in which the heavens will pass away with a roar and the elements will be destroyed with intense heat, and the earth and its works will be burned up."

Fake Quotes:
- “The reports of my Rapture are greatly exaggerated" – Mark Twain

- “Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today, besides the Rapture.” – Mark Twain

- “I submit to you that if a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to be Raptured.” - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Okay, yeah… so I may tweet some of those myself.

Meanwhile, on Sunday morning when we are all still here and sitting in church I sincerely hope some pastor out there makes a joke about how not as many people as expected were taken and what a bummer it is that his whole church is still here (that guy would be hilarious). Then someone can live Jesus Juke him with Matthew 24:36.

What will your Facebook status be?

Church & Guilt

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh,could not do.By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin,he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit." Romans 8:1-4

As you may or may not know I haven't really been going to church recently. *Gasp!* Yes, yes I know, let's get the shock and doubting of my Christianity out of the way. Got it out of your system? Good.

I have to tell you though, these past few weeks of not attending church have been very interesting and, I think, good for me. You know how sometimes you don't miss something until it is gone? Or maybe you don't even realize you had something until it is gone? Well that is what has happened to me in these church-less weeks... kind of. No, I haven't realized how much I love and miss church, that isn't what I've noticed is gone from my life. What is gone then, you ask? I'll tell you. The church guilt! And no, I don't miss it.

This post is going to make some people mad, I'm very sorry about that. You can always stop reading now.

In the past month or so of not attending any church anywhere I have realized that I'm... happy! I do miss many of the people I use to go to church with, but I don't miss the feeling of guilt that often comes with a Sunday morning service.

The alter call that is meant to be a time between you and God that is actually a call for you to review how you've messed up in life. I don't miss it. The sermons about how sin keeps God from fellowshipping with you (when actually it is you who keeps you from God not Him or your sin). I don't miss it. The flowery prayers that are meant more for the people hearing them than for the God we are praying too. I don't miss it.

I don't miss feeling like I have to shape up or ship out. I don't miss the manipulative calls to serve God in your home church (despite the fact that you may be serving Him elsewhere and in your own way). I don't miss the talk about how you need give your tithes so God will bless you. I don't miss people speaking in "church speak" so they sound more spiritual. I don't miss the "shoulds". "I should do this." "We should do that." "I know I should be acting this way." I just don't miss it!

What do I miss? I miss the friends at had at my church that I don't see as much anymore. I miss them because I've realized the relationships I had with them is what church is meant to be. Iron sharpening iron without any of the guilt and shame.

I'm not saying to you shouldn't repent (agree with God about) your sin. I'm not saying that, I'm saying that feeling like you are a bad Christian or not a good enough... whatever, isn't how a redeemed and born again child of God should feel! And I for one don't miss feeling that way.

You know what I love? I love the prayer times we have at my work each Monday. Prayer and God's word without the traditions of men. I love talking to my close friends about what God is doing in their lives and how He is stretching them. I love the random phone calls I get from people who want to pray about something with me. You know what I love? I love the body of Christ, while I don't miss "the church" at all. When did these things become separate?

Is going to church on Sundays a bad thing? No, not always. But is it what Christ meant for His body? No, not always. It is one way we gather as the body of Christ. And it is only a good thing if we do it in a way that lines up with scripture. I still want that, I know some people have found it. But mostly I want to live in the freedom we have in Christ.

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

Where Did That Come From?

The other day I was trolling Twitter/Tumblr and came across a friend’s post that said something about how amazed they were that God gave them the answer to a prayer of theirs on the very next page of a book they were reading.

 My first thought?

“Yeah, that didn’t happen. God doesn’t do that.”

Wow, where did that come from? That thought went zipping through my mind like a comet before I even knew it was there, before I had a chance to pull it back and say, “Now now silly little thought, that’s not true.”

I tried to get to the source of where that thought came from. Did I really doubt God’s willingness to answer prayers? Had I given up on prayer? How did this happen? It isn’t like I went one day trusting that God listens to and respond to our prayers to waking up the next morning thinking, “God doesn’t do that.” It was a progression. A progression I had let go unchecked and unquestioned.

It started with, “God didn’t answer that prayer the way I wanted Him to.”

Then, “God didn’t answer that prayer at all.”

“God doesn’t answer my prayers.”

“God lets a lot of crap happen.”

“God doesn’t always answer prayer.”

“God doesn’t answer prayer at all.”

“You say God answered your prayer? Yeah, that didn’t happen. God doesn’t do that.”

I couldn't believe I had actually let all of that into my life. You see, that is how Satan works against us. He can’t come to us with a big ol’ lie and expect us to swallow it. He comes to us with little lies and half-truths and once we accept those he steps it up a little, and then a little more and a little more. Until before we know it we are living a huge lie that would have sent us running for the hills if we were originally presented with it.

Once I realized the lie I believed I began to see a string of untruths in my life. It went something like this:

“If God doesn’t answer prayer then I have to take care of myself on my own, by myself, without anyone else, alone. What the crap! I can’t do that. I can barely remember to check the mail! I’m in deep trouble. If I have to do this on my own then I’m stuck. My life has no purpose because even if it did I couldn’t accomplish it anyway. I’m useless and I’m alone.”

Yeah I know, a little emo, but that is how my brain works. Basically I went from, “God didn’t answer that prayer the way I wanted Him to” to “I am alone and useless”. I had been feeling that way for a while and didn't know where it came from. Of course this domino effect of lies might go another direction for someone else depending on other lies they are believing and what their personal weaknesses are, but you get the picture.

The truth is that God does answer prayer. And yes, sometimes things don’t turn out the way we wanted, but God is still God!

“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21

God has shown me where in my thoughts I went astray, now to reign them back in and give them to Him to repair.

What about you? Are there lies in your life that you believe and are living out? Anything in your life that brings condemnation or shame and not repentance isn’t from God. Maybe we all need to take some time to sweep out whatever lies we’ve let into our lives.

Ten Ways Churches Attempt To Be Modern

Okay, before I launch in to my list of 10 ways I think churches try to be modern, I want to say that I don’t necessarily think all these ideas are bad… just a little funny.
10. Name Tags
Most churches worth there snuff have greeters to meet people at the door and then never talk to them again, but the new modern church adds name tags to the mix. Now you, as a visitor, can know the names of everyone who doesn’t talk to you.

9. Toms
Tom shoes are so hot right now (yes, said like Will Ferrell in Zoolander). I love me some Toms, but you can now tell how hip a church is by how many people in their worship team wear Toms, there is a chart… we won’t go into that. Oh also, if the pastor is wearing Toms? Forget about it! ** What? your church doesn’t have a worship team? …uh, this list doesn’t apply to you

8. The "use to be Baptist" Church/The word “fellowship”
Notice how more and more churches are dropping the word “Baptist” from their titles?
“Isn’t that a Baptist church?”
“Uh, no. It is Mountain Oak Church, not Mountain Oak Baptist Church. Duh. Don’t you want to come now?”Or if they were never Baptist they may just add “fellowship” in their name.
“Shhh… We are called ‘Grace Free Fellowship’ don’t tell anyone we are a church.” Ha ha! Fooled people into coming!

7. Pews vs. linkable chairs
I like the linkable chairs, you know those chairs that all hook together and move as one long column representing the body of Christ linking together? …Okay maybe not. However I like the linkable chairs over pews because they’re usually better cushioned.

6. Drum box thingy
I grew up in a strict “no drums at church” regime, so to me a church with drums is fairly cool. However, if the drum set is on stage and has one of those plastic boxes around them (my drummer brother informs me they are called “drum shields”) then you know this church is ultra modern.
Side note: Yes, I grew up with no “devil rock music” and now my little brother plays the drums, I love the journey God has had my family on.

5. The velvet offering bag
I have no idea way this gets a number on the list, except that I needed it to make 10. However, it is kind of modern-ish to have one of those burgundy velvet offering bags with the wooden handles as opposed to the old fashioned offering plates.
4. The worship sandwichYou know what I mean. The service that starts with a few songs (or 1 song… see # 3) and ends with a few songs. Not a bad idea really, but here is how I think it started.

Scene: Church Staff meeting

Pastor: We need a way to end our service differently. I feel like ending on announcements is a little weak sauce.
Youth Pastor: *chuckles*
Worship Pastor: I don't know about that Pastor Phil, Elder John was pretty funny with announcements last Sunday.
Church Secretary: Can't we just dismiss right after the sermon?
Pastor: Uh, no.
Children's Past... Children’s Director: Just nothing that is going to make the service longer, it already takes the parents so long to pick up their kids. And I’m usually up there subbing for someone. I haven’t been in "big church" in… I don’t even remember "big church".
*awkward pause*
Youth Pastor: Why don't we end on a song? The youth band is getting really–Worship Pastor: That's a great idea! I could do a music set before and after the sermon. That way we start and end with worship!
Children’s Director: *sigh*
*awkward pause*Youth Pastor: Pastor Phil… I like your Toms.
3. Long songs
You know you are really praising when in 30 minutes you sing approximately 1½ songs. “Hallelujah! Did you get our church's new worship CD? It is 2 hours of worship with 5 beautiful tracks!”
2. Background images during worship
I feel like I’m picking on worship pastors/leaders/director type-people here. Sorry, it is just because you are such good sports. But you know those big, moving, projected scenes you have looping behind you during the singing time? Yeah, those are awesome.
1. Naming everything
I think the youth group, children’s ministry, singles group, older singles group, college/career group, women’s ministry, puppet ministry, AA group, elderly ministry, life groups, mom’s group and community outreach club should all have different names… and t-shirts. Did I miss a group? Men’s? Uh, no I didn’t miss that one. Unity everyone!

What would you add to this list?

A Side Note: Red Light Green Light

Sometimes churches remind me a a game of "Red Light, Green Light". Did you ever play that game as a child... or maybe as a grown up? It is far superior to the somewhat inane "Duck, duck goose", the relatively violent "Red Rover", or the ambiguous rules of "Mother May I?" Though I could probably use them as comparisons to the church as well, I'll stick with "Red Light, Green Light".

I feel like the modern day church and the modern day Christian has made Christianity all about a list of dos and don'ts. You can do this. Green light. You can't do that. Red light. You can only do this when no one is watching. Green light. Red light. Sure you can do that, but you'll be a "stumbling block". Yellow light?

And these supposed rules are so arbitrary. Different rules in different churches. Different rules in different parts of the country. Different rules for staff than for lay people! Red light. Green light. Red light. Green light. Ever feel like you can't get anywhere?

Or what about the "Red light. Green light" rule that says if you move even a faction of an inch during "Red light" you have to start over? Don't we do that to people? "Oh I'm sorry you didn't meet my expectations, you're human. Please remove yourself from this ministry until you are right with God."

Before Christ's death and resurrection our relationship with God may have been based on law, but even then the Pharisees took it too far. They were the rule-makers of the time and Jesus warned against them.

"How is it you don’t understand that I was not talking to you about bread? But be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.' Then they understood that he was not telling them to guard against the yeast used in bread, but against the teaching of the Pharisees and Sadducees." Matthew 16:11,12

Yeast is something that spreads and gets bigger. Once you let this philosophy into your churches and into your lives it grows. And no, I'm not just talking about what people consider fundamental or conservative churches. Even the "cool, hip" churches struggle with this obstinate behavior. Signing contracts to be on ministry teams, giving youth regulations on how close they can sit next to the opposite sex, how much (if any) acholohl can you drink, what style music do we use, ect...

If we are ruled by regulations that are set down for us by other humans what is going to happen to us in situations where we have to make choices on our own? Either we are going to be so bound by rules we can't move. Red light!! Or we are going to say "The heck with it all" and an go off the deep end. Green light baby!!

Having grown up in a very religious and rule driven atmosphere I know more people my age who gave up on God when they came "of age" than should be reasonably expect. Because really, who can live with all these rules? And if that is the case why oh why does the church keep laying them down!?

If we can't trust people to be lead by the Spirit of God then why are we having them on our leadership teams I the first place? If we aren't teaching people young and old to be ruled by the Holy Spirit instead of regulations then how can we expect them to know how to act when outside of the church?

Why do Christians have such an awful reputation? 1) Because we expect others to live by the rules we are erroneously expected to live by and 2) Because we judge people instead of love people when they don't. Guilt and shame are not a byproduct of Christianity it is a byproduct of the rules of man.

I know many of you who have read this far are thinking, "Yes, but there have to be rules. A lot of rules we have for good reasons." Yes, and I'm sure the Pharisees and Sadducees felt very strongly about the reasons behind their rules as well. You know the only rules Christ gave us? To Love God and love your neighbor. Period.

I'm sorry to be so harsh on this subject, and no, I'm not saying we should all run around like banshees, we need to listen to and follow the voice of God. In the Bible the word for sin (or transgression) has nothing to do with a set of dos and don'ts it means missing the mark. And f God's perfection is the mark, haven't we all missed it? That's why we need Christ! We need Christ to save us and the Holy Spirit to convict us. That's all.

"So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law." Galatians 5: 16-18 (emphases added)

I know it is cheesy, but I have to believe that in Christ, the light is always green.

"But as surely as God is faithful, our message to you is not 'Yes' and 'No.' For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was preached among you by us—by me and Silas and Timothy—was not 'Yes' and 'No,' but in him it has always been 'Yes.' For no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'Yes' in Christ. And so through him the 'Amen' is spoken by us to the glory of God." 2 Corinthians 1:18-20

Sabbatical

Sab•bat•i•cal
–adjective
1. of or pertaining or appropriate to the Sabbath.
2. of or pertaining to a sabbatical year.
3. bringing a period of rest.
–noun
4. any extended period of leave from one's customary work,
especially for rest, to acquire new skills or training, etc.

Not too long ago I was in a little fender bender. I was at a dead stop waiting for my turn to get on the access road when a woman in a Lexus ran into the back of my car. She hardly slowed down; it was as though she didn’t even see me there.

Her mind was on the road ahead, she was thinking of her destination, so intent on where she was going she didn’t even notice the bright yellow ford focus stopped right in front of her. In the words of young hipsters everywhere, “epic fail”.

Several months ago I began a little journey. I was at a dead end at my current church and started on the road to find a new church home. Somewhere along this journey, or maybe the whole time, I started focusing so much on my goal of having a place to attend and serve that I stopped noticing what was right in front of me.

I didn’t notice that I had changed as a Christian. I didn’t realize that I looked at God differently. I didn’t see that I had taken off and stomped on any rose colored glasses I use to view the church through. So when I would visit churches and run into problem after problem I didn’t know why. Epic fail.

So I have decided to go on a sabbatical. Can you go on a sabbatical from the Sabbath? Maybe not, but a sabbatical from church, and especially church hunting. It will be my extended period of leave, pertaining or appropriate to the Sabbath; for rest and to acquire new skills or training, etc.

Not that I won’t go to church at all. I may still visit churches in the area or go back to ones I’ve been to, but I’m not really looking for a church right now. I’m looking for what God is trying to teach me through this time. I’m looking for who I am in Christ outside of the formal church setting. I want to explore other peoples’ stories of church love and loss.

So expect my blogging to change some. No more “Church #815” or “Church #1623” entries. Just some thoughts on what God is teaching me right now. Time to look at what is right in front of me so that I stop missing the obvious things, like what God is trying to do in my life.

So what's the problem now?

Life without church, this is just called life for many people. However, being raised in a strong Christian, southern family church has always been a part of my life. Life without church is unacceptable. Not just because of how I was raised, but the society I live in and the company I keep. In many circles one gets to know someone by asking them about their family or where they work. My type of people? We ask, “So where do you go to church?”

When I first started looking for a church, “I’m looking for a church right now” was an acceptable answer when church came up in conversation. After 7 months of looking for a church and yet not finding one it just sounds like I’m not trying. I am trying. Everyone else seems so happy at their church. It isn’t that I want to be alone in my churchless-ness.

I even went as far as prematurely posting a few weeks ago that I thought I had found my church. I thought I did. I had one of the best Sundays since my church hunting started, I went to Sunday school and people actually talked to me and I felt the lesson was really good. I went to service and worshiped through the singing and the message. I love this church because of everything they do in the community without even trying to bring the focus on them or “fill the pews”. They received more money than budgeted last year, even in these hard financial times, and in the weeks I visited there I never heard them make a push for giving. The pastor is on fire for the Lord and preaches more than the same old thing. I was sold.

I invited a posse to come with me to church the next week; I had a friend with me in Sunday school (where no one spoke to us and the lesson was not good) and three friends with me in service. The service I still thought was good, but seemed to bore the people with me (if you 3 are reading this, don’t try to deny it :). However, this isn’t really what is making me question my “decision”.

I knew this church was traditional (for lack of a better word), but I heard a few things that Sunday that actually go against what I believe the Bible teaches. Not big salvation things, but those things that even the strongest of Christians never agree on. Plus everyone in the singles group seemed really young and I realized that this was still not exactly my group of people. All of this seems really nit-picky, right? It is, I know. I don’t think this church is really the problem. I think the problem is me. I am really trying to find a church, but I can’t find what I want. Plus, I’m just so tired of church that even the really great ones seem lacking to me somehow.

Through all of this churchless-ness I realized that I’m kind of having an identity crisis. And by “kind of” I mean I am! During the great week at Sunday school we talked about spiritual gifts and how each person is made differently but for the same purpose, to glorify God. We are to fit together like pieces of a machine (or... a body) with each piece having its own function, but only when all the pieces are assembled does the machine work correctly.

I’ve studied this before, but I loved how the class flowed and how everyone seemed to have something to add and how excited they were about being the body of Christ. Through all of this I keep thinking about the gifts God has given me and how I use them. I love to teach, to disciple. Nothing makes me happier than to have a small group to lead and walk with. This is one of the things I’ve been called to do. It was the one thing at my old church that I got a lot of. Even when other things were going wrong in this area I felt complete and fulfilled. Now I have gone 7 months without some place to serve in this way. I’m at the point where I just want to pick any church with a youth group I can serve in because I don’t know who I am when I’m not in this position of shepherding.

I have known for a little while that this was going on inside me, I feel like I have been called to minister and I have no place to do it. I know that the church is not the only place to do this, but it is where I know how to do it. I was thinking all of this during Sunday school when one of the women in the class made a wonderful statement. In paraphrase she said,
“We have to remember though, that no matter what gifts God has given us we can’t place our identity in those gifts. We aren’t our gifts and we aren’t even what we do for God. Our identity is in Christ alone.”

Here I am wondering around trying to find somewhere to serve, yes because I want to do this for God and for His people, but also because I don’t know who I am without this. As if my service is what makes me, me? As if without this God can’t use me? As if without this I am anything less than a child of the King? As if.

This doesn’t bring me any closer to finding a church or deciding if finding a church is what I should do right now, but it did kind of slap some sense into me. Yes, life without church is hard on me right now, but it is my life with Christ that really matters. I think I need to start putting more of a focus on that.

Tick, tick, tick...

It has been about 7 months since I left... quit... stopped going to? my old church. Or that is, it has been about 7 months since I've had a church home. That wording seems to work.

Meaning approximately 7 months or 210 days or 28 Sundays or 11 churches latter, I still don't have a church I call my own.

I stopped blogging about my church hunting experience for roughly two of those months because I had lost my enthusiasm about visiting churches.

I have had some odd experiences though, for example, I went to church one Sunday and didn't stay because there was literally no place to park. On another Sunday I got to a church I'd been excited about visiting and walked in to find about 5 people milling about this huge church, it was like the twilight zone, I was afraid the rapture had occurred and me and these 5 Baptist were left behind. Weird.

I still drag myself out of bed on Sunday mornings and go to church, but really have had nothing to say about it. Maybe I’ll visit a new church or maybe I’ll go back to one I've been to before, sometimes I don't decided until my alarm clock goes off.

In short, recently I’ve been more zealous about where I'm eating lunch after church than where I am going to service. (Fuzzy's Tacos anyone?)

This languid attitude started changing just before Christmas. I had heard conflicting reports about a church I was interested in. However, I decided to drive the 40 minutes to get there when a friend of mine who has basically given up on church and possibly on God told me that it was one church she might actually go to. That sounded good to me. We’ll call this “Church # 11”.

When I first started visiting new churches I was so starved for spiritual food that I was on a church high, crying at services, loving the worship and feeling like I could conquer the world. This emotion was eventually depleted and I was left feeling extremely skeptical of churches and Christians. I've been saying for months, "I don't have a problem with God, but I'm finding it hard to like His people". Or like Gandhi said, "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." I’ve felt like a ticking time bomb, at any moment I was going to give up on church all together.

I can't say that I'm completely over this feeling. I don't think I understood, or still understand how deeply I was hurt. Or the extent of the scares inflicted by fellow believers! However, I will say that while at Church #11 one Sunday I looked around at the people near me, people I didn't know and didn't meet and thought to myself, "How nice to be in a room full of people who love God. I may not ever know them, but we have the same Father!" I surprised myself with this previously unheard of compassion for fellow church goers.

Since then I have started going back to a church nearer me because 40 minutes was just too long of a drive. However, I don't know if it was Church #11, or just timing, or the Christmas spirit, but I'm glad that I had that little moment or joy with my fellow believers. I needed it.

With all of the above being said it was actually something that happened last Sunday that made me figuratively pick back up the blogging pen.

During the infamous meet-n-greet time at a church we will call “Church #10”, something strange happened, the person I was sitting next to introduced himself to me! I know this shouldn't be a big deal, but in all this time I have had only ONE other person introduce themselves to me without my introducing myself first. People say, "hello" or "good morning" but then they are pretty much done with you.

While still reeling from his introduction this intrepid person did something rather shocking. I am not exaggerating when I state that this is the first time in 7 months of church hunting that this has happened to me... the guy invited me to life group! Holy crud. He asked me if this was my first Sunday, I told him I was a basically a regular because I had been there twice (oh how very witty) and he told me about the singles group that met before 2nd service and said I should come. Then (yes, there is even more) at the end of the service he gave me the website for their singles group so I could get all the info and said he hoped he'd see me there.

I can't overstate what a big deal this is, or how sad it is that it is a big deal! So obviously, I will be going to the the singles group next week before "big church". Really it was amazing what that one act of consideration did for my morning. I went from thinking how annoying it is when the choir and/or worship team wears matching colors, to thinking that I should start "assuming good intent" when I go to churches.

Meaning that instead of assuming the worship team is all about themselves and performance I should assume that they are actually worshiping since I have no reason to believe otherwise. My whole church experience changed, I listen to the sermon and took notes and made myself think of two things I liked about the place for everyone thing I didn't like (sorry, I still have a hard time making the negative Nancy in my head hush).

When the morning was over I had a little bit of the exuberance I had when I first started church hunting. Just because someone took less than 5 minutes to make me feel wanted! Between that and the gradual lessening of my resistance against others believers I feel like God is slowly but surely doing a work in my heart. Maybe all this disappointment and over-cautiousness will turn into something healthy and powerful. I hope so.

Expectation

My former boss and youth pastor use to (and perhaps still does) tell the youth that they needed to come to church with an expectation to hear from God. That we would hear more from God when we came with eager expectation to hear from Him.

I began thinking about this, this Sunday while preparing to go to church. Perhaps the reason I've been getting very little out of church lately is because I'm attending with the expectation to get very little out of church lately.

So this week I went with a band new attitude, visiting a church I haven't been to in awhile (church number... 1? Maybe?). I "put on my happy face", prayed that God would speak to me through this service and came with a heart full of expectation to hear from God.

I'd like to tell you this worked like a magic charm. That I felt God in a powerful way, that I left with new purpose and direction, that God spoke to me distinctly. I'd like to tell you that, but I can't.

I will say that I was more focused and "tuned-in" than I have been for awhile. I was less critical and even asked God to help me curb my sarcastic thoughts (which often run rampant). I did get more from the service than I have recently.

I believe God did hear my prayer and see that I sincerely wanted to hear from Him. But I didn't feel the heavens part or anything.

Maybe you are thinking that is because that "heaven parting" occasion doesn't actually happen. If you thought that, you'd be wrong. I've known those times. Sometimes they are full of emotion and I've ended up literally on my face before God. Sometimes they are crystal clear, a still small voice and I know exactly what God is telling me. It does happen. It didn't this Sunday.

This doesn't mean I didn't learn anything. The pastor spoke of us praying for miracles, but what we really wanted was magic. That "boom" God fixes everything. And that yes, God can do that, but He more often chooses to use us in His miracles. His passage was John 6:1-14 where God uses a small boy's bread and fish to feed thousands. Jesus knew what he was going to do to meet the need of these hungry people, but asked the disciples, "Where are we to buy bread, so that these people may eat?"

God wants to use us. We need to be usable. God wants to speak to us. We need to be ready to hear.

To me coming with the expectation to hear from God is a really good thing, but it isn't always enough. It is kinda of like going to take a test having just glanced over the material and asking God to bring to mind what you have learned. Or like a non-athletic person going into a baseball game with a focused and determined attitude, but no practice time. (and yes, I've done both). Your focused-ness may help some, but it doesn't make you a science expert or a baseball pro.

God is not going to withhold Himself from us because of anything we have or have not done. There is no ritual to perform or list of "to do"s to hear from God. He isn't like a human, thank goodness.

However, I do think there are times we keep ourselves from hearing Him.

Am I only trying to hear God on Sunday morning, without seeking Him all week long? Am I expecting diamonds of wisdom from the pastor, but not delving into God's word for myself? Am I expecting church to fix all my problems, without dealing with unforgiveness in my life? These are just my examples... they may be different for other people.

In this blog I've been putting a lot of pressure on the church to step up and be what God has called it to be! I still think that is valid. But I can't make the church as a whole change, even if it needs too. All I can do it try to peruse God with an unwavering passion of my own. To seek Him in all aspects of my life, not just in what church to go to.

In the words of Brother Lawrence's book The Practice of the Presence of God:

"There is not in the world a kind of life more sweet and delightful, than that of a continual conversation with God. Those only can comprehend it who practice and experience it."

"It is not necessary for being with God to be always at church; we may make an oratory of our heart, wherein to retire from time to time, to converse with Him in meekness, humility, and love. Every one is capable of such familiar conversation with God..."

TV Land goes to church

"I didn't make it to church this week, because I was sick, but I did watch a lot of tv..."

Recently a few of my favorite shows have gone where TV usually doesn’t dare to go… to church. That’s right, both the musical comedy Glee and my personal favorite witty and sarcastic show Community have dealt with religion in the past few weeks. It has been interesting and frankly a little startling to hear what mainstream media thinks about religion, God and church.

To start with we have Glee’s episode, “Grilled Cheesus” that centers on Kurt, the shows openly gay character, as his father is in the hospital—and on Finn the quarterback, who sees an image of Jesus in his grilled cheese sandwich. If this is already sounding a little sacrilegious to you, hang on.

During the episode Finn believes God hears his prayers because of his grilled cheesus and Kurt is encouraged by friends to turn to God in his time of need.

Kurt’s protest against prayer and going to church made me cringe, “Churches don't think very much of gay people. Or women. Or science.”

At first I was offended, but as I thought about it I couldn’t really fight with that statement. Sure it is a blanket statement that stereotypes Christians, but troughout the years the church has given non-believers reason to think exactly what Kurt thought.

However, what impacted me most about Kurt’s statement was how sad it was! I know Glee is fiction, but how often in real life do you think people turn away from God, the only One who can help them, because the church has shown a united front of hate and judgment rather than love and forgiveness?

John 3:17 “For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.”


Then there is Finn, who views Christianity more as a superstition than a religion... little less as an actual relationship! Again, have we as Christans perpetrated this idea? If I'm good God hears my prayers, if I disobey He punishes me. No wonder Finn thought an image of Jesus in his grilled cheese could be a sign from a God who behaves so much like a human.

Another thing that bothered me about this episode of Glee was the Christian character’s seemingly weak faith. Basically, she thought you should believe in God, believe in something, but she admitted she could be wrong in what she believed.

Glee’s episode on religion overall was moving and a little disconcerting, but had at least one beautiful thing to say about faith. Bitter and sardonic cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester explained why she didn’t believe in God (He let her down by not healing her mentally “handicapable” sister, Jean, or protecting Jean from the mocking of others) but Sue concedes to let her sister pray for her when Jean states “I don’t believe God makes mistakes”. After that conversation with Jean, Sue also stops trying to make the Glee club abandon songs about faith.



Okay, if by some strange chance you are still reading this long post, we move on to Community’s episode, “Messianic Myths and Ancient Peoples”. In this episode Shirley, the show’s Christian character, decides to make a YouTube video with a Christian theme when she realizes that only 9 people went to her church the day before and over a 17 million people have watched a YouTube video on farting. That alone is a sobering thought.

However, things go awry when Abed (my favorite character) decides to make the video and places himself in the position of being an actual savior. Yeah that’s right, he begins to act like he is Jesus. *uncomfortable pause* And I thought Jesus on a sandwich was bad.

This show has an unfortunate history of poking fun at any religion as being something weak-minded people believe in. And Shirley’s character is often so fixed on her own beliefs she is completely insensitive to others. For example; after Abed quotes the Bible during a quarrel with Shirley, she asks him, “Did you just Scripture me, Muslim?” (funny though). So the show was going down its usual path with Shirley behaving somewhat “un-Christian” in trying to stop the making of the film and Abed being flat out ridiculous in gathering his followers.

However, again I could hardly blame them. Don’t we as Christians often seem ignorant of others beliefs and self-righteousness in our own? I mean, I do believe that there is only one way to God and that is through Jesus Christ, however there is away to communicate this message with love and wisdom... and the modern church doesn’t always do that.

Matthew 10:16 “Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves.”

The episode did end on good note to me though. As Abed realizes his movie is awful, he prays that God will take it away from him (in a kind of “garden of Gethsemane” scene) and Shirley overhears him. In the end Shirley chooses to look like a villain by destroying Abed’s film. Shirley looks like the bad guy and Abed looks like the victim. She takes the fall to help her friend, but Abed realizes what she’s done for him and they make up. To me this was Shirley finally practicing what she preaches and it ended very sweetly.



Overall TV doesn’t have a lot of good to say about Christians and faith. However, is it Christians that have caused this? If you read the book of Romans about Jews (the religious people of the day) and gentiles (the people without God’s law) and see it as the modern day relation of believers to unbelievers, you see that maybe the world’s opinion of us lays on our shoulders.

Romans 2:24 “As it is written: ‘God's name is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you."

So while I can’t say watching my beloved TV shows mock the things that are my core and basic beliefs, I think it is good for Christian’s to realize what we look like to the outside world. This way we can ask ourselves, “Okay, if the world has a wrong and mostly negative view of believers how much of that is my fault and what can I do about it?”

Yes, as Christians we are going to be persecuted by the world, but let's make sure it is for living as Christ did, not because we deserve it. Maybe it is time that we start presenting the message of Christ as it was intended, as the gospel, as God's "good news".

Is this it?

In one of my earliest church hunting blogs I said something to the effect of, "I don't know what I'm looking for, but I hope to know when I find it". Well, I have come to believe this is a very poor search technique. How can you find anything of value when you don't even know what you are looking for? Chance? I think not.

Then I had to ask myself what am I looking for? Of course this must be keep in the light of not just looking for a church to satisfy me, but where God can best use me. However, I know from experience that if you are serving at a church that isn't compatible it is very hard to serve the Lord very long before getting seriously burnt out and maybe even disillusioned.

So where does this leave me? I need to know what I'm looking for and also be sensitive to where God may be calling me. I want a church that says what it means and means what it says. A church that throws tradition out the freakin' window, but still has good sound doctrine. And I want a church where I can serve, where I can use the gifts God has given me to bring glory to Him!

Yes, I do indeed want to be called by God to where I can serve Him best, but what if I don't feel called anywhere? What if I have visited several good churches filled with people who love the Lord and are serving Him, but I still fill like I could take 'em or leave 'em? In the words of my sister Ryan, "Meh" (accompanied with a shoulder shrug).

I mentioned earlier that serving somewhere you aren't called may leave you disillusioned. Well, that was me a few months ago, burnt out, disillusioned and a little bitter. I feel I'm getting better now, healing up nicely. But that dissolution has morphed into something else, it has become a deep desire to not do church the normal way anymore. To not "do church" at all. I'm not saying I don't want to find a local church body to attend, but I just can't imagine where that would be when most churches I visit (even the great ones) do so much just because... this is what you do at church.

I love tradition. I love that ever year my family cuts down our own Christmas tree. I love that on Birthdays we take pictures holding up enough fingers to show how old that person is. Tradition can be good, comfortable, it can bring people together. However tradition can also become stale, exclusive, and meaningless. Is it me or are churches today filled with meaningless and exclusive traditions? I'm a little afraid that I want something that isn't there.

I was talking to someone the other day and found myself telling them how bored I was with church. Bored with the teaching, the singing, and the staleness. I don't actually think the church I've been going to is stale; it is just feeling that way to me. I feel sacrilegious saying I'm bored with church, but I can't help question, why do all these churches look so much the same? Why can't I hear things in sermons that I haven't heard before? Why can't church be different? There are so many different kinds of people why do all churches just look like variations of each other?

This blog is mostly me just questioning, I really don't have the answers. I know that if what I want in a a church isn't actually available to me that doesn't give me license to forsake Christian fellowship all together.

I think I need to have an extended time of prayer over this. And I know that I am not the only person of my generation that deals with this problem. I know too many Christians not going to church at all, too many people my age giving up on God altogether, to think I'm the only one struggling here. I guess I'd just ask that you pray for us. It is a very confusing out there. Here are all these people like me who feel disconnected by the very institution that is meant to bring us together.

I guess my final question is this: Have people who given up on church “forsaken” the assembly of believers, or has the church “forsaken” these people?

“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.” Hebrews 10: 23-25