When music tells you what you are thinking

Sometimes when things are a regular part of my life I assume they are a regular part of other peoples' lives as well. I could be wrong though, I could be like those people who see letters in specific colors and for years don’t realize that most people don’t see letters in specific colors, we just see them the regular boring way. Uh… yeah, that was a real relatable example.

In any case, I have no idea if this happens to anyone else, but sometimes I’ll be listening to (or more likely singing along with) a song and I’ll have to stop and think about what I just sang. Suddenly, it is like the lyrics of the song have just told me what I really think about something.

For example, over a year ago I was struggling with the idea of leaving my home church of the past 10 something years. I loved it there and was miserable there at the same time. I didn’t know if I really wanted to leave or not, or if God wanted me to stay or go.

Then I started singing along in my car (which is where most of my awesome singing goes down) to a *Lenka song and I realized everything I was singing I was directing towards my church. That probably sounds really strange seeing as the song is about a breakup… but hey, true story.

It was seriously like Lenka had crawled into my head, figured out how I really felt about the situation, wrote this song, put it on a CD and made sure I listened to it. But let’s be real, Lenka is awesome, but she’s not omnipotent.

God is omnipotent. I’m not saying God had some Australian songwriter write a song just for me, but I do believe God uses all kinds of things to talk to us and get our attention. I have a friend who told me once that every time she saw little yellow flowers God was telling her, “I love you”. Little yellow flowers are pretty, but they don't mean that much to me, but they meant something to her. In my case, as many times in my life, God used a song— a secular song even, to talk to me. (Actually, He uses Lenka songs with me often, her love song “Don’t let me fall” turns into a worship song/prayer every time I hear it).

Not that I didn't spend a LOT of time praying about my decision to leave my church, I did. But that song really opened my eyes to how I felt and what steps needed to be taken. God is so amazing I love that He speaks to me in my language.

Whether it is Mumford & Sons, Florence + The Machine or some good old David Crowder Band, music seems to be something God uses to talk to me. It this just me? Do songs ever tell you things about yourself you weren’t expecting?

I can’t be the only one this happens to, I don’t think it is like those lucky synesthetes, it think this must happen to lots of other people too. Or maybe it is something else God uses in your life. Whatever it is that God uses to speak to you I’d love to hear about it! Leave me a comment. I'd love to hear what God uses to reach out and talks to you.

Edit: * For those of you who have asked (no one asked), this is the Lenka song I sang about my church. Take it with a grain of salt, it wasn't a perfect comparison, but it made me realize what I already knew. 

Say what?

The other day, week, time... (so that no one can guess what event I'm talking about... yeah that will work) I was with a group of people praying and I kept being really amazed by what I heard.

Not amazed in a good way like, "Meagan, congratulations you won a trip to the Grammys!", but amazed in a bad way like, "Did you know that there are over 360 calories in one Starbucks muffin?"

I kept thinking, what are these people doing? Why would they pray that?! In fact, in my head, I kept saying, "No God, no. Don't do that." or "Disregard that one too!" This brought on a full-fledged prayer crisis moment. My thoughts went something like this:

If one person prays one thing, and then someone else prays against it (someone being me!) do the two prayers cancel each other out?

Does the prayer of the stronger Christian trump that of the weaker?

Who decides who is the weaker Christian?

I'm I comparing my faith to others' now?

Yes, I am. That's a real bad idea, I should stop that.

Okay, but if someone prays something so obviously wrong, God must ignore it anyway, right?

Do I ever pray things that are so obviously wrong?

Should I do the opposite of a prayer recognizer and instead of saying, "yes, Lord" out loud to this prayer should I say, "I rebuke that!"

If I did say, "I rebuke that!" would the older people in this group think I'm a disrespectful young person?

Am I going to have to whip out some 1 Timothy 4:12?

If I'm almost 30 am I even counted as a "young person" anymore?

Who really says, "I rebuke that!"

When it is my turn to pray I better make it good to make up for these other prayers.

Wait... is it my turn to pray?

In the end I didn't say anything about it. During the prayer time or after. But it did make me think about the things that we pray and how glad I am that God is far, far wiser then I am.

All of us probably have had times when we pray out of misguided beliefs, out of fear of man or out of doubt. Do these prayers just go unheard? Do they just drift through space without God paying them any heed because we aren't praying according to God's will? Absolutely not.

Even in those times when we pray things that maybe we shouldn't pray, God hears us. And guess what? It is even better than that. It isn't that God just hears these misguided prayers shakes His head and thinks, "Oh, there they go again" and does nothing. He knows what we should be praying and answers us accordingly!

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groaning too deep for words. And He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:26-28

There is no reason for me to tell God to disregard what someone else said. No reason for someone to fear the words that are spoken over them. No reason for me to think my prayer got trumped or that if we pray wrong God doesn't hear us.

The Holy Spirit who lives inside His people intercedes for us according to the will of God! This also gives me hope for those times when I have no words to pray at all. The Holy Spirit intercedes for us with groaning that are too deep for words!

I love God. He has thought of everything. He has covered all the bases, so even when we mess up, in Him, we still win.

What kind of prayer are you?

Recently I've been in several different places where we have prayed as a group. I really love that. Personal, private prayer time is wonderful, but praying with other believers is so encouraging. During these times of prayer though, I have noticed there are a handful of kind of prayers (as in pray-ers, people who pray). Most people fall into at least one of these groups; I have listed 7 kinds of prayer warriors that I've seen throughout my years in churches, Bible studies, and prayer groups. Is this a definitive list. Nope. It it completely accurate. Uh, no I just made it up. But maybe you can find a little of yourself on this list. I know where I am.

1) The person who doesn't pray out loud.
Some people don't like to pray out loud, which I think is perfectly acceptable. I mean we are praying to God and He doesn't need us to pray out loud. Besides the Bible warns us about using prayer for attention. Not praying out loud is a pretty safe bet against praying just so others can hear how masterfully you weave scripture into your prayer or how many beautiful Christian phrases you can use like, "traveling mercies", "please lead, guide, and direct", "hide me behind the cross" or the one I use the most, "put a hedge of protection around..." (because you know satan is really afraid of shrubbery). Yeah, so if you don't want to pray out loud, I'm not going to make you (though if no one does, it makes the prayer time... awkward). Maybe you could just be the next person on the list.

2) The prayer recognizer.
If you are doing any kind of pray around the circle or *popcorn prayer you really want at least one prayer recognizer. This is the person who says, "amen", "yes Lord" and other generally encouraging phrases and sounds as someone else prays out loud. I know this is wrong, and I'm putting myself out there saying this, but am I the only one who ever judges how good a prayer is by how many people "amen" during it? Yes! 5 amens and a hallelujah! I. Am. On. Fire!

3) The metaphorical prayer/the long prayer
This person is of the "more is better" philosophy. Their prayers last at least twice as long as everyone elses' prayers and are usually really pretty. They use words like, "propitiation" and "equivocation" and very often use metaphors in their prayers. "Like a child climbs up on it's fathers lap so we come to You". While these prayers can seem to *ahem* drag on I usually like them because I'm a picture person and they paint pictures. (Okay, okay I admit I've never heard a prayer with the word, "equivocation" in it).

4) The short and sweet
To explain this kind of prayer I'd like to just give an example. It goes something like this, "Dear Lord, you know all our needs and we place them in Your hands. Please continue to lead us to You." Boom! Done and done. And good! Trust God to do what He does. Can't argue with that. It is nice when this person sits next to #3.

5) The emotional prayer
This is the person who can barely make it through their prayer because they start to choke up. Or maybe they pray through the whole prayer just fine, but talk in "cry voice". I'm not saying that I am this person... but I am. I have little to no control over "cry voice", grrrr. However, (and the emotional prayer isn't necessarily going for this) this person often works very well with the prayer recognizer. Crying brings on the "yes, lord!", it just does.

6) The preachy prayer
This is the only one on the list that actually bugs me. I'm fine with a good sermon. And I'm fine with a good prayer. But don't give me a sermon prayer. You know what I mean, right? The person who takes it upon themselves to teach or preach to the people listening to them pray. They say things like, "because it is the child's duty to obey their parents, this is the kind of person the Lord wants you to be" or "remember that God rejects the proud and blesses the humble". I'm always like, wait... who are you talking to here? Cuz I thought you were talking to God and I think He knows this stuff already. *sigh*

7) The scripture prayer
This person is kinda the bomb-diggity. They usually pray with lots of spirit and talk louder and faster the longer the prayer goes on. They use some of their own words but mostly stick to praying straight out of God's word. I love this, as long as they are doing it to pray the authority of scripture and not to show off how much Bible they have memorized from their years in AWANA or Bible Drill or seminary or something.


Okay, this is the short list. I can think of a few other kind of prayers, but I'll stop while you might still be reading. What do you think? Are you on here? What other kinds of people should make the list? Tell me what you think.


*Popcorn prayer: This is where you just "pop in" when you want to pray, this is the less formal and more "spirit-lead" version of the pray around in a circle... but can be awkward when more than one person starts a prayer at the same time. (One at a time people, one at a time! That way God can make out what you're saying!)

The End Of The World

So my twitter and Tumblr feeds are already being filled with Rapture jokes. Because, you know, there is little funnier than the end of the world!

One of my favorite quips is the suggestion to get Chick-Fil-A today since all its workers will be Raptured tomorrow. And I love the idea I got from Tumblr of leaving a pair of shoes somewhere with some dry ice in them (he he). Also, my favorite shoe brand is having an "End of the World" sale, because you should look good if the end is coming.

I’m ignoring the comments about how the world would be a better place if all the Christians were indeed Raptured (hurtful!).

I have to say with all this, I am really looking forward to all the Jesus Jukes that are coming. I mean, when Osama was killed it started a fierce Twitter debate over how Christians should respond, accompanied by Bible verses and fake quotes from famous dead people. I anticipate to no less from Rapture Day 2011.

So in preparation for the expected world’s end (man, I thought that was going down in 2012) I have made a few lists. One list is just for me and contains things I need to do before the twinkling of an eye. Included are things like: Make sure I’m caught up on “The Big Bang Theory” (the show, not the actually theory), clean my room (I’d hate to leave a mess behind) and find a heathen to take care of my dog (unless it is true that all dogs go to heaven).

However, the list I’d like to share with all of you is my predictions for what will be the most popular tweets/Facebook statuses tomorrow. Here we go:

Verses:
- Matthew 24:36 “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.”

- 1 Thessalonians 5:2 “For you know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night.”

- 2 Peter 3:10 But the day of the Lord will come like a thief, in which the heavens will pass away with a roar and the elements will be destroyed with intense heat, and the earth and its works will be burned up."

Fake Quotes:
- “The reports of my Rapture are greatly exaggerated" – Mark Twain

- “Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today, besides the Rapture.” – Mark Twain

- “I submit to you that if a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to be Raptured.” - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Okay, yeah… so I may tweet some of those myself.

Meanwhile, on Sunday morning when we are all still here and sitting in church I sincerely hope some pastor out there makes a joke about how not as many people as expected were taken and what a bummer it is that his whole church is still here (that guy would be hilarious). Then someone can live Jesus Juke him with Matthew 24:36.

What will your Facebook status be?

Church & Guilt

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh,could not do.By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin,he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit." Romans 8:1-4

As you may or may not know I haven't really been going to church recently. *Gasp!* Yes, yes I know, let's get the shock and doubting of my Christianity out of the way. Got it out of your system? Good.

I have to tell you though, these past few weeks of not attending church have been very interesting and, I think, good for me. You know how sometimes you don't miss something until it is gone? Or maybe you don't even realize you had something until it is gone? Well that is what has happened to me in these church-less weeks... kind of. No, I haven't realized how much I love and miss church, that isn't what I've noticed is gone from my life. What is gone then, you ask? I'll tell you. The church guilt! And no, I don't miss it.

This post is going to make some people mad, I'm very sorry about that. You can always stop reading now.

In the past month or so of not attending any church anywhere I have realized that I'm... happy! I do miss many of the people I use to go to church with, but I don't miss the feeling of guilt that often comes with a Sunday morning service.

The alter call that is meant to be a time between you and God that is actually a call for you to review how you've messed up in life. I don't miss it. The sermons about how sin keeps God from fellowshipping with you (when actually it is you who keeps you from God not Him or your sin). I don't miss it. The flowery prayers that are meant more for the people hearing them than for the God we are praying too. I don't miss it.

I don't miss feeling like I have to shape up or ship out. I don't miss the manipulative calls to serve God in your home church (despite the fact that you may be serving Him elsewhere and in your own way). I don't miss the talk about how you need give your tithes so God will bless you. I don't miss people speaking in "church speak" so they sound more spiritual. I don't miss the "shoulds". "I should do this." "We should do that." "I know I should be acting this way." I just don't miss it!

What do I miss? I miss the friends at had at my church that I don't see as much anymore. I miss them because I've realized the relationships I had with them is what church is meant to be. Iron sharpening iron without any of the guilt and shame.

I'm not saying to you shouldn't repent (agree with God about) your sin. I'm not saying that, I'm saying that feeling like you are a bad Christian or not a good enough... whatever, isn't how a redeemed and born again child of God should feel! And I for one don't miss feeling that way.

You know what I love? I love the prayer times we have at my work each Monday. Prayer and God's word without the traditions of men. I love talking to my close friends about what God is doing in their lives and how He is stretching them. I love the random phone calls I get from people who want to pray about something with me. You know what I love? I love the body of Christ, while I don't miss "the church" at all. When did these things become separate?

Is going to church on Sundays a bad thing? No, not always. But is it what Christ meant for His body? No, not always. It is one way we gather as the body of Christ. And it is only a good thing if we do it in a way that lines up with scripture. I still want that, I know some people have found it. But mostly I want to live in the freedom we have in Christ.

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

Where Did That Come From?

The other day I was trolling Twitter/Tumblr and came across a friend’s post that said something about how amazed they were that God gave them the answer to a prayer of theirs on the very next page of a book they were reading.

 My first thought?

“Yeah, that didn’t happen. God doesn’t do that.”

Wow, where did that come from? That thought went zipping through my mind like a comet before I even knew it was there, before I had a chance to pull it back and say, “Now now silly little thought, that’s not true.”

I tried to get to the source of where that thought came from. Did I really doubt God’s willingness to answer prayers? Had I given up on prayer? How did this happen? It isn’t like I went one day trusting that God listens to and respond to our prayers to waking up the next morning thinking, “God doesn’t do that.” It was a progression. A progression I had let go unchecked and unquestioned.

It started with, “God didn’t answer that prayer the way I wanted Him to.”

Then, “God didn’t answer that prayer at all.”

“God doesn’t answer my prayers.”

“God lets a lot of crap happen.”

“God doesn’t always answer prayer.”

“God doesn’t answer prayer at all.”

“You say God answered your prayer? Yeah, that didn’t happen. God doesn’t do that.”

I couldn't believe I had actually let all of that into my life. You see, that is how Satan works against us. He can’t come to us with a big ol’ lie and expect us to swallow it. He comes to us with little lies and half-truths and once we accept those he steps it up a little, and then a little more and a little more. Until before we know it we are living a huge lie that would have sent us running for the hills if we were originally presented with it.

Once I realized the lie I believed I began to see a string of untruths in my life. It went something like this:

“If God doesn’t answer prayer then I have to take care of myself on my own, by myself, without anyone else, alone. What the crap! I can’t do that. I can barely remember to check the mail! I’m in deep trouble. If I have to do this on my own then I’m stuck. My life has no purpose because even if it did I couldn’t accomplish it anyway. I’m useless and I’m alone.”

Yeah I know, a little emo, but that is how my brain works. Basically I went from, “God didn’t answer that prayer the way I wanted Him to” to “I am alone and useless”. I had been feeling that way for a while and didn't know where it came from. Of course this domino effect of lies might go another direction for someone else depending on other lies they are believing and what their personal weaknesses are, but you get the picture.

The truth is that God does answer prayer. And yes, sometimes things don’t turn out the way we wanted, but God is still God!

“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21

God has shown me where in my thoughts I went astray, now to reign them back in and give them to Him to repair.

What about you? Are there lies in your life that you believe and are living out? Anything in your life that brings condemnation or shame and not repentance isn’t from God. Maybe we all need to take some time to sweep out whatever lies we’ve let into our lives.

Ten Ways Churches Attempt To Be Modern

Okay, before I launch in to my list of 10 ways I think churches try to be modern, I want to say that I don’t necessarily think all these ideas are bad… just a little funny.
10. Name Tags
Most churches worth there snuff have greeters to meet people at the door and then never talk to them again, but the new modern church adds name tags to the mix. Now you, as a visitor, can know the names of everyone who doesn’t talk to you.

9. Toms
Tom shoes are so hot right now (yes, said like Will Ferrell in Zoolander). I love me some Toms, but you can now tell how hip a church is by how many people in their worship team wear Toms, there is a chart… we won’t go into that. Oh also, if the pastor is wearing Toms? Forget about it! ** What? your church doesn’t have a worship team? …uh, this list doesn’t apply to you

8. The "use to be Baptist" Church/The word “fellowship”
Notice how more and more churches are dropping the word “Baptist” from their titles?
“Isn’t that a Baptist church?”
“Uh, no. It is Mountain Oak Church, not Mountain Oak Baptist Church. Duh. Don’t you want to come now?”Or if they were never Baptist they may just add “fellowship” in their name.
“Shhh… We are called ‘Grace Free Fellowship’ don’t tell anyone we are a church.” Ha ha! Fooled people into coming!

7. Pews vs. linkable chairs
I like the linkable chairs, you know those chairs that all hook together and move as one long column representing the body of Christ linking together? …Okay maybe not. However I like the linkable chairs over pews because they’re usually better cushioned.

6. Drum box thingy
I grew up in a strict “no drums at church” regime, so to me a church with drums is fairly cool. However, if the drum set is on stage and has one of those plastic boxes around them (my drummer brother informs me they are called “drum shields”) then you know this church is ultra modern.
Side note: Yes, I grew up with no “devil rock music” and now my little brother plays the drums, I love the journey God has had my family on.

5. The velvet offering bag
I have no idea way this gets a number on the list, except that I needed it to make 10. However, it is kind of modern-ish to have one of those burgundy velvet offering bags with the wooden handles as opposed to the old fashioned offering plates.
4. The worship sandwichYou know what I mean. The service that starts with a few songs (or 1 song… see # 3) and ends with a few songs. Not a bad idea really, but here is how I think it started.

Scene: Church Staff meeting

Pastor: We need a way to end our service differently. I feel like ending on announcements is a little weak sauce.
Youth Pastor: *chuckles*
Worship Pastor: I don't know about that Pastor Phil, Elder John was pretty funny with announcements last Sunday.
Church Secretary: Can't we just dismiss right after the sermon?
Pastor: Uh, no.
Children's Past... Children’s Director: Just nothing that is going to make the service longer, it already takes the parents so long to pick up their kids. And I’m usually up there subbing for someone. I haven’t been in "big church" in… I don’t even remember "big church".
*awkward pause*
Youth Pastor: Why don't we end on a song? The youth band is getting really–Worship Pastor: That's a great idea! I could do a music set before and after the sermon. That way we start and end with worship!
Children’s Director: *sigh*
*awkward pause*Youth Pastor: Pastor Phil… I like your Toms.
3. Long songs
You know you are really praising when in 30 minutes you sing approximately 1½ songs. “Hallelujah! Did you get our church's new worship CD? It is 2 hours of worship with 5 beautiful tracks!”
2. Background images during worship
I feel like I’m picking on worship pastors/leaders/director type-people here. Sorry, it is just because you are such good sports. But you know those big, moving, projected scenes you have looping behind you during the singing time? Yeah, those are awesome.
1. Naming everything
I think the youth group, children’s ministry, singles group, older singles group, college/career group, women’s ministry, puppet ministry, AA group, elderly ministry, life groups, mom’s group and community outreach club should all have different names… and t-shirts. Did I miss a group? Men’s? Uh, no I didn’t miss that one. Unity everyone!

What would you add to this list?

A Side Note: Red Light Green Light

Sometimes churches remind me a a game of "Red Light, Green Light". Did you ever play that game as a child... or maybe as a grown up? It is far superior to the somewhat inane "Duck, duck goose", the relatively violent "Red Rover", or the ambiguous rules of "Mother May I?" Though I could probably use them as comparisons to the church as well, I'll stick with "Red Light, Green Light".

I feel like the modern day church and the modern day Christian has made Christianity all about a list of dos and don'ts. You can do this. Green light. You can't do that. Red light. You can only do this when no one is watching. Green light. Red light. Sure you can do that, but you'll be a "stumbling block". Yellow light?

And these supposed rules are so arbitrary. Different rules in different churches. Different rules in different parts of the country. Different rules for staff than for lay people! Red light. Green light. Red light. Green light. Ever feel like you can't get anywhere?

Or what about the "Red light. Green light" rule that says if you move even a faction of an inch during "Red light" you have to start over? Don't we do that to people? "Oh I'm sorry you didn't meet my expectations, you're human. Please remove yourself from this ministry until you are right with God."

Before Christ's death and resurrection our relationship with God may have been based on law, but even then the Pharisees took it too far. They were the rule-makers of the time and Jesus warned against them.

"How is it you don’t understand that I was not talking to you about bread? But be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.' Then they understood that he was not telling them to guard against the yeast used in bread, but against the teaching of the Pharisees and Sadducees." Matthew 16:11,12

Yeast is something that spreads and gets bigger. Once you let this philosophy into your churches and into your lives it grows. And no, I'm not just talking about what people consider fundamental or conservative churches. Even the "cool, hip" churches struggle with this obstinate behavior. Signing contracts to be on ministry teams, giving youth regulations on how close they can sit next to the opposite sex, how much (if any) acholohl can you drink, what style music do we use, ect...

If we are ruled by regulations that are set down for us by other humans what is going to happen to us in situations where we have to make choices on our own? Either we are going to be so bound by rules we can't move. Red light!! Or we are going to say "The heck with it all" and an go off the deep end. Green light baby!!

Having grown up in a very religious and rule driven atmosphere I know more people my age who gave up on God when they came "of age" than should be reasonably expect. Because really, who can live with all these rules? And if that is the case why oh why does the church keep laying them down!?

If we can't trust people to be lead by the Spirit of God then why are we having them on our leadership teams I the first place? If we aren't teaching people young and old to be ruled by the Holy Spirit instead of regulations then how can we expect them to know how to act when outside of the church?

Why do Christians have such an awful reputation? 1) Because we expect others to live by the rules we are erroneously expected to live by and 2) Because we judge people instead of love people when they don't. Guilt and shame are not a byproduct of Christianity it is a byproduct of the rules of man.

I know many of you who have read this far are thinking, "Yes, but there have to be rules. A lot of rules we have for good reasons." Yes, and I'm sure the Pharisees and Sadducees felt very strongly about the reasons behind their rules as well. You know the only rules Christ gave us? To Love God and love your neighbor. Period.

I'm sorry to be so harsh on this subject, and no, I'm not saying we should all run around like banshees, we need to listen to and follow the voice of God. In the Bible the word for sin (or transgression) has nothing to do with a set of dos and don'ts it means missing the mark. And f God's perfection is the mark, haven't we all missed it? That's why we need Christ! We need Christ to save us and the Holy Spirit to convict us. That's all.

"So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law." Galatians 5: 16-18 (emphases added)

I know it is cheesy, but I have to believe that in Christ, the light is always green.

"But as surely as God is faithful, our message to you is not 'Yes' and 'No.' For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was preached among you by us—by me and Silas and Timothy—was not 'Yes' and 'No,' but in him it has always been 'Yes.' For no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'Yes' in Christ. And so through him the 'Amen' is spoken by us to the glory of God." 2 Corinthians 1:18-20

Listening

Okay so not going to church the past few weeks has been refreshing. But in my prayer time today I came to this conclusion,

I think I need to start going to church again, not so God will hear me,
but maybe so that I will hear Him.

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Edit:
I'm not saying church is the only place to hear from God. I am also not saying that it is a sure-fire place to hear from God. Sometimes you just won't. What I'm am saying is that I think you need to put yourself in a position of listening. For me I think that going back to church for a little while is one of the things I need to do right now to put myself in that position.

Sabbatical

Sab•bat•i•cal
–adjective
1. of or pertaining or appropriate to the Sabbath.
2. of or pertaining to a sabbatical year.
3. bringing a period of rest.
–noun
4. any extended period of leave from one's customary work,
especially for rest, to acquire new skills or training, etc.

Not too long ago I was in a little fender bender. I was at a dead stop waiting for my turn to get on the access road when a woman in a Lexus ran into the back of my car. She hardly slowed down; it was as though she didn’t even see me there.

Her mind was on the road ahead, she was thinking of her destination, so intent on where she was going she didn’t even notice the bright yellow ford focus stopped right in front of her. In the words of young hipsters everywhere, “epic fail”.

Several months ago I began a little journey. I was at a dead end at my current church and started on the road to find a new church home. Somewhere along this journey, or maybe the whole time, I started focusing so much on my goal of having a place to attend and serve that I stopped noticing what was right in front of me.

I didn’t notice that I had changed as a Christian. I didn’t realize that I looked at God differently. I didn’t see that I had taken off and stomped on any rose colored glasses I use to view the church through. So when I would visit churches and run into problem after problem I didn’t know why. Epic fail.

So I have decided to go on a sabbatical. Can you go on a sabbatical from the Sabbath? Maybe not, but a sabbatical from church, and especially church hunting. It will be my extended period of leave, pertaining or appropriate to the Sabbath; for rest and to acquire new skills or training, etc.

Not that I won’t go to church at all. I may still visit churches in the area or go back to ones I’ve been to, but I’m not really looking for a church right now. I’m looking for what God is trying to teach me through this time. I’m looking for who I am in Christ outside of the formal church setting. I want to explore other peoples’ stories of church love and loss.

So expect my blogging to change some. No more “Church #815” or “Church #1623” entries. Just some thoughts on what God is teaching me right now. Time to look at what is right in front of me so that I stop missing the obvious things, like what God is trying to do in my life.

So what's the problem now?

Life without church, this is just called life for many people. However, being raised in a strong Christian, southern family church has always been a part of my life. Life without church is unacceptable. Not just because of how I was raised, but the society I live in and the company I keep. In many circles one gets to know someone by asking them about their family or where they work. My type of people? We ask, “So where do you go to church?”

When I first started looking for a church, “I’m looking for a church right now” was an acceptable answer when church came up in conversation. After 7 months of looking for a church and yet not finding one it just sounds like I’m not trying. I am trying. Everyone else seems so happy at their church. It isn’t that I want to be alone in my churchless-ness.

I even went as far as prematurely posting a few weeks ago that I thought I had found my church. I thought I did. I had one of the best Sundays since my church hunting started, I went to Sunday school and people actually talked to me and I felt the lesson was really good. I went to service and worshiped through the singing and the message. I love this church because of everything they do in the community without even trying to bring the focus on them or “fill the pews”. They received more money than budgeted last year, even in these hard financial times, and in the weeks I visited there I never heard them make a push for giving. The pastor is on fire for the Lord and preaches more than the same old thing. I was sold.

I invited a posse to come with me to church the next week; I had a friend with me in Sunday school (where no one spoke to us and the lesson was not good) and three friends with me in service. The service I still thought was good, but seemed to bore the people with me (if you 3 are reading this, don’t try to deny it :). However, this isn’t really what is making me question my “decision”.

I knew this church was traditional (for lack of a better word), but I heard a few things that Sunday that actually go against what I believe the Bible teaches. Not big salvation things, but those things that even the strongest of Christians never agree on. Plus everyone in the singles group seemed really young and I realized that this was still not exactly my group of people. All of this seems really nit-picky, right? It is, I know. I don’t think this church is really the problem. I think the problem is me. I am really trying to find a church, but I can’t find what I want. Plus, I’m just so tired of church that even the really great ones seem lacking to me somehow.

Through all of this churchless-ness I realized that I’m kind of having an identity crisis. And by “kind of” I mean I am! During the great week at Sunday school we talked about spiritual gifts and how each person is made differently but for the same purpose, to glorify God. We are to fit together like pieces of a machine (or... a body) with each piece having its own function, but only when all the pieces are assembled does the machine work correctly.

I’ve studied this before, but I loved how the class flowed and how everyone seemed to have something to add and how excited they were about being the body of Christ. Through all of this I keep thinking about the gifts God has given me and how I use them. I love to teach, to disciple. Nothing makes me happier than to have a small group to lead and walk with. This is one of the things I’ve been called to do. It was the one thing at my old church that I got a lot of. Even when other things were going wrong in this area I felt complete and fulfilled. Now I have gone 7 months without some place to serve in this way. I’m at the point where I just want to pick any church with a youth group I can serve in because I don’t know who I am when I’m not in this position of shepherding.

I have known for a little while that this was going on inside me, I feel like I have been called to minister and I have no place to do it. I know that the church is not the only place to do this, but it is where I know how to do it. I was thinking all of this during Sunday school when one of the women in the class made a wonderful statement. In paraphrase she said,
“We have to remember though, that no matter what gifts God has given us we can’t place our identity in those gifts. We aren’t our gifts and we aren’t even what we do for God. Our identity is in Christ alone.”

Here I am wondering around trying to find somewhere to serve, yes because I want to do this for God and for His people, but also because I don’t know who I am without this. As if my service is what makes me, me? As if without this God can’t use me? As if without this I am anything less than a child of the King? As if.

This doesn’t bring me any closer to finding a church or deciding if finding a church is what I should do right now, but it did kind of slap some sense into me. Yes, life without church is hard on me right now, but it is my life with Christ that really matters. I think I need to start putting more of a focus on that.

Tick, tick, tick...

It has been about 7 months since I left... quit... stopped going to? my old church. Or that is, it has been about 7 months since I've had a church home. That wording seems to work.

Meaning approximately 7 months or 210 days or 28 Sundays or 11 churches latter, I still don't have a church I call my own.

I stopped blogging about my church hunting experience for roughly two of those months because I had lost my enthusiasm about visiting churches.

I have had some odd experiences though, for example, I went to church one Sunday and didn't stay because there was literally no place to park. On another Sunday I got to a church I'd been excited about visiting and walked in to find about 5 people milling about this huge church, it was like the twilight zone, I was afraid the rapture had occurred and me and these 5 Baptist were left behind. Weird.

I still drag myself out of bed on Sunday mornings and go to church, but really have had nothing to say about it. Maybe I’ll visit a new church or maybe I’ll go back to one I've been to before, sometimes I don't decided until my alarm clock goes off.

In short, recently I’ve been more zealous about where I'm eating lunch after church than where I am going to service. (Fuzzy's Tacos anyone?)

This languid attitude started changing just before Christmas. I had heard conflicting reports about a church I was interested in. However, I decided to drive the 40 minutes to get there when a friend of mine who has basically given up on church and possibly on God told me that it was one church she might actually go to. That sounded good to me. We’ll call this “Church # 11”.

When I first started visiting new churches I was so starved for spiritual food that I was on a church high, crying at services, loving the worship and feeling like I could conquer the world. This emotion was eventually depleted and I was left feeling extremely skeptical of churches and Christians. I've been saying for months, "I don't have a problem with God, but I'm finding it hard to like His people". Or like Gandhi said, "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." I’ve felt like a ticking time bomb, at any moment I was going to give up on church all together.

I can't say that I'm completely over this feeling. I don't think I understood, or still understand how deeply I was hurt. Or the extent of the scares inflicted by fellow believers! However, I will say that while at Church #11 one Sunday I looked around at the people near me, people I didn't know and didn't meet and thought to myself, "How nice to be in a room full of people who love God. I may not ever know them, but we have the same Father!" I surprised myself with this previously unheard of compassion for fellow church goers.

Since then I have started going back to a church nearer me because 40 minutes was just too long of a drive. However, I don't know if it was Church #11, or just timing, or the Christmas spirit, but I'm glad that I had that little moment or joy with my fellow believers. I needed it.

With all of the above being said it was actually something that happened last Sunday that made me figuratively pick back up the blogging pen.

During the infamous meet-n-greet time at a church we will call “Church #10”, something strange happened, the person I was sitting next to introduced himself to me! I know this shouldn't be a big deal, but in all this time I have had only ONE other person introduce themselves to me without my introducing myself first. People say, "hello" or "good morning" but then they are pretty much done with you.

While still reeling from his introduction this intrepid person did something rather shocking. I am not exaggerating when I state that this is the first time in 7 months of church hunting that this has happened to me... the guy invited me to life group! Holy crud. He asked me if this was my first Sunday, I told him I was a basically a regular because I had been there twice (oh how very witty) and he told me about the singles group that met before 2nd service and said I should come. Then (yes, there is even more) at the end of the service he gave me the website for their singles group so I could get all the info and said he hoped he'd see me there.

I can't overstate what a big deal this is, or how sad it is that it is a big deal! So obviously, I will be going to the the singles group next week before "big church". Really it was amazing what that one act of consideration did for my morning. I went from thinking how annoying it is when the choir and/or worship team wears matching colors, to thinking that I should start "assuming good intent" when I go to churches.

Meaning that instead of assuming the worship team is all about themselves and performance I should assume that they are actually worshiping since I have no reason to believe otherwise. My whole church experience changed, I listen to the sermon and took notes and made myself think of two things I liked about the place for everyone thing I didn't like (sorry, I still have a hard time making the negative Nancy in my head hush).

When the morning was over I had a little bit of the exuberance I had when I first started church hunting. Just because someone took less than 5 minutes to make me feel wanted! Between that and the gradual lessening of my resistance against others believers I feel like God is slowly but surely doing a work in my heart. Maybe all this disappointment and over-cautiousness will turn into something healthy and powerful. I hope so.

Expectation

My former boss and youth pastor use to (and perhaps still does) tell the youth that they needed to come to church with an expectation to hear from God. That we would hear more from God when we came with eager expectation to hear from Him.

I began thinking about this, this Sunday while preparing to go to church. Perhaps the reason I've been getting very little out of church lately is because I'm attending with the expectation to get very little out of church lately.

So this week I went with a band new attitude, visiting a church I haven't been to in awhile (church number... 1? Maybe?). I "put on my happy face", prayed that God would speak to me through this service and came with a heart full of expectation to hear from God.

I'd like to tell you this worked like a magic charm. That I felt God in a powerful way, that I left with new purpose and direction, that God spoke to me distinctly. I'd like to tell you that, but I can't.

I will say that I was more focused and "tuned-in" than I have been for awhile. I was less critical and even asked God to help me curb my sarcastic thoughts (which often run rampant). I did get more from the service than I have recently.

I believe God did hear my prayer and see that I sincerely wanted to hear from Him. But I didn't feel the heavens part or anything.

Maybe you are thinking that is because that "heaven parting" occasion doesn't actually happen. If you thought that, you'd be wrong. I've known those times. Sometimes they are full of emotion and I've ended up literally on my face before God. Sometimes they are crystal clear, a still small voice and I know exactly what God is telling me. It does happen. It didn't this Sunday.

This doesn't mean I didn't learn anything. The pastor spoke of us praying for miracles, but what we really wanted was magic. That "boom" God fixes everything. And that yes, God can do that, but He more often chooses to use us in His miracles. His passage was John 6:1-14 where God uses a small boy's bread and fish to feed thousands. Jesus knew what he was going to do to meet the need of these hungry people, but asked the disciples, "Where are we to buy bread, so that these people may eat?"

God wants to use us. We need to be usable. God wants to speak to us. We need to be ready to hear.

To me coming with the expectation to hear from God is a really good thing, but it isn't always enough. It is kinda of like going to take a test having just glanced over the material and asking God to bring to mind what you have learned. Or like a non-athletic person going into a baseball game with a focused and determined attitude, but no practice time. (and yes, I've done both). Your focused-ness may help some, but it doesn't make you a science expert or a baseball pro.

God is not going to withhold Himself from us because of anything we have or have not done. There is no ritual to perform or list of "to do"s to hear from God. He isn't like a human, thank goodness.

However, I do think there are times we keep ourselves from hearing Him.

Am I only trying to hear God on Sunday morning, without seeking Him all week long? Am I expecting diamonds of wisdom from the pastor, but not delving into God's word for myself? Am I expecting church to fix all my problems, without dealing with unforgiveness in my life? These are just my examples... they may be different for other people.

In this blog I've been putting a lot of pressure on the church to step up and be what God has called it to be! I still think that is valid. But I can't make the church as a whole change, even if it needs too. All I can do it try to peruse God with an unwavering passion of my own. To seek Him in all aspects of my life, not just in what church to go to.

In the words of Brother Lawrence's book The Practice of the Presence of God:

"There is not in the world a kind of life more sweet and delightful, than that of a continual conversation with God. Those only can comprehend it who practice and experience it."

"It is not necessary for being with God to be always at church; we may make an oratory of our heart, wherein to retire from time to time, to converse with Him in meekness, humility, and love. Every one is capable of such familiar conversation with God..."