Church & Guilt

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh,could not do.By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin,he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit." Romans 8:1-4

As you may or may not know I haven't really been going to church recently. *Gasp!* Yes, yes I know, let's get the shock and doubting of my Christianity out of the way. Got it out of your system? Good.

I have to tell you though, these past few weeks of not attending church have been very interesting and, I think, good for me. You know how sometimes you don't miss something until it is gone? Or maybe you don't even realize you had something until it is gone? Well that is what has happened to me in these church-less weeks... kind of. No, I haven't realized how much I love and miss church, that isn't what I've noticed is gone from my life. What is gone then, you ask? I'll tell you. The church guilt! And no, I don't miss it.

This post is going to make some people mad, I'm very sorry about that. You can always stop reading now.

In the past month or so of not attending any church anywhere I have realized that I'm... happy! I do miss many of the people I use to go to church with, but I don't miss the feeling of guilt that often comes with a Sunday morning service.

The alter call that is meant to be a time between you and God that is actually a call for you to review how you've messed up in life. I don't miss it. The sermons about how sin keeps God from fellowshipping with you (when actually it is you who keeps you from God not Him or your sin). I don't miss it. The flowery prayers that are meant more for the people hearing them than for the God we are praying too. I don't miss it.

I don't miss feeling like I have to shape up or ship out. I don't miss the manipulative calls to serve God in your home church (despite the fact that you may be serving Him elsewhere and in your own way). I don't miss the talk about how you need give your tithes so God will bless you. I don't miss people speaking in "church speak" so they sound more spiritual. I don't miss the "shoulds". "I should do this." "We should do that." "I know I should be acting this way." I just don't miss it!

What do I miss? I miss the friends at had at my church that I don't see as much anymore. I miss them because I've realized the relationships I had with them is what church is meant to be. Iron sharpening iron without any of the guilt and shame.

I'm not saying to you shouldn't repent (agree with God about) your sin. I'm not saying that, I'm saying that feeling like you are a bad Christian or not a good enough... whatever, isn't how a redeemed and born again child of God should feel! And I for one don't miss feeling that way.

You know what I love? I love the prayer times we have at my work each Monday. Prayer and God's word without the traditions of men. I love talking to my close friends about what God is doing in their lives and how He is stretching them. I love the random phone calls I get from people who want to pray about something with me. You know what I love? I love the body of Christ, while I don't miss "the church" at all. When did these things become separate?

Is going to church on Sundays a bad thing? No, not always. But is it what Christ meant for His body? No, not always. It is one way we gather as the body of Christ. And it is only a good thing if we do it in a way that lines up with scripture. I still want that, I know some people have found it. But mostly I want to live in the freedom we have in Christ.

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

Where Did That Come From?

The other day I was trolling Twitter/Tumblr and came across a friend’s post that said something about how amazed they were that God gave them the answer to a prayer of theirs on the very next page of a book they were reading.

 My first thought?

“Yeah, that didn’t happen. God doesn’t do that.”

Wow, where did that come from? That thought went zipping through my mind like a comet before I even knew it was there, before I had a chance to pull it back and say, “Now now silly little thought, that’s not true.”

I tried to get to the source of where that thought came from. Did I really doubt God’s willingness to answer prayers? Had I given up on prayer? How did this happen? It isn’t like I went one day trusting that God listens to and respond to our prayers to waking up the next morning thinking, “God doesn’t do that.” It was a progression. A progression I had let go unchecked and unquestioned.

It started with, “God didn’t answer that prayer the way I wanted Him to.”

Then, “God didn’t answer that prayer at all.”

“God doesn’t answer my prayers.”

“God lets a lot of crap happen.”

“God doesn’t always answer prayer.”

“God doesn’t answer prayer at all.”

“You say God answered your prayer? Yeah, that didn’t happen. God doesn’t do that.”

I couldn't believe I had actually let all of that into my life. You see, that is how Satan works against us. He can’t come to us with a big ol’ lie and expect us to swallow it. He comes to us with little lies and half-truths and once we accept those he steps it up a little, and then a little more and a little more. Until before we know it we are living a huge lie that would have sent us running for the hills if we were originally presented with it.

Once I realized the lie I believed I began to see a string of untruths in my life. It went something like this:

“If God doesn’t answer prayer then I have to take care of myself on my own, by myself, without anyone else, alone. What the crap! I can’t do that. I can barely remember to check the mail! I’m in deep trouble. If I have to do this on my own then I’m stuck. My life has no purpose because even if it did I couldn’t accomplish it anyway. I’m useless and I’m alone.”

Yeah I know, a little emo, but that is how my brain works. Basically I went from, “God didn’t answer that prayer the way I wanted Him to” to “I am alone and useless”. I had been feeling that way for a while and didn't know where it came from. Of course this domino effect of lies might go another direction for someone else depending on other lies they are believing and what their personal weaknesses are, but you get the picture.

The truth is that God does answer prayer. And yes, sometimes things don’t turn out the way we wanted, but God is still God!

“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21

God has shown me where in my thoughts I went astray, now to reign them back in and give them to Him to repair.

What about you? Are there lies in your life that you believe and are living out? Anything in your life that brings condemnation or shame and not repentance isn’t from God. Maybe we all need to take some time to sweep out whatever lies we’ve let into our lives.

A Side Note: Red Light Green Light

Sometimes churches remind me a a game of "Red Light, Green Light". Did you ever play that game as a child... or maybe as a grown up? It is far superior to the somewhat inane "Duck, duck goose", the relatively violent "Red Rover", or the ambiguous rules of "Mother May I?" Though I could probably use them as comparisons to the church as well, I'll stick with "Red Light, Green Light".

I feel like the modern day church and the modern day Christian has made Christianity all about a list of dos and don'ts. You can do this. Green light. You can't do that. Red light. You can only do this when no one is watching. Green light. Red light. Sure you can do that, but you'll be a "stumbling block". Yellow light?

And these supposed rules are so arbitrary. Different rules in different churches. Different rules in different parts of the country. Different rules for staff than for lay people! Red light. Green light. Red light. Green light. Ever feel like you can't get anywhere?

Or what about the "Red light. Green light" rule that says if you move even a faction of an inch during "Red light" you have to start over? Don't we do that to people? "Oh I'm sorry you didn't meet my expectations, you're human. Please remove yourself from this ministry until you are right with God."

Before Christ's death and resurrection our relationship with God may have been based on law, but even then the Pharisees took it too far. They were the rule-makers of the time and Jesus warned against them.

"How is it you don’t understand that I was not talking to you about bread? But be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.' Then they understood that he was not telling them to guard against the yeast used in bread, but against the teaching of the Pharisees and Sadducees." Matthew 16:11,12

Yeast is something that spreads and gets bigger. Once you let this philosophy into your churches and into your lives it grows. And no, I'm not just talking about what people consider fundamental or conservative churches. Even the "cool, hip" churches struggle with this obstinate behavior. Signing contracts to be on ministry teams, giving youth regulations on how close they can sit next to the opposite sex, how much (if any) acholohl can you drink, what style music do we use, ect...

If we are ruled by regulations that are set down for us by other humans what is going to happen to us in situations where we have to make choices on our own? Either we are going to be so bound by rules we can't move. Red light!! Or we are going to say "The heck with it all" and an go off the deep end. Green light baby!!

Having grown up in a very religious and rule driven atmosphere I know more people my age who gave up on God when they came "of age" than should be reasonably expect. Because really, who can live with all these rules? And if that is the case why oh why does the church keep laying them down!?

If we can't trust people to be lead by the Spirit of God then why are we having them on our leadership teams I the first place? If we aren't teaching people young and old to be ruled by the Holy Spirit instead of regulations then how can we expect them to know how to act when outside of the church?

Why do Christians have such an awful reputation? 1) Because we expect others to live by the rules we are erroneously expected to live by and 2) Because we judge people instead of love people when they don't. Guilt and shame are not a byproduct of Christianity it is a byproduct of the rules of man.

I know many of you who have read this far are thinking, "Yes, but there have to be rules. A lot of rules we have for good reasons." Yes, and I'm sure the Pharisees and Sadducees felt very strongly about the reasons behind their rules as well. You know the only rules Christ gave us? To Love God and love your neighbor. Period.

I'm sorry to be so harsh on this subject, and no, I'm not saying we should all run around like banshees, we need to listen to and follow the voice of God. In the Bible the word for sin (or transgression) has nothing to do with a set of dos and don'ts it means missing the mark. And f God's perfection is the mark, haven't we all missed it? That's why we need Christ! We need Christ to save us and the Holy Spirit to convict us. That's all.

"So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law." Galatians 5: 16-18 (emphases added)

I know it is cheesy, but I have to believe that in Christ, the light is always green.

"But as surely as God is faithful, our message to you is not 'Yes' and 'No.' For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was preached among you by us—by me and Silas and Timothy—was not 'Yes' and 'No,' but in him it has always been 'Yes.' For no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'Yes' in Christ. And so through him the 'Amen' is spoken by us to the glory of God." 2 Corinthians 1:18-20

Listening

Okay so not going to church the past few weeks has been refreshing. But in my prayer time today I came to this conclusion,

I think I need to start going to church again, not so God will hear me,
but maybe so that I will hear Him.

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Edit:
I'm not saying church is the only place to hear from God. I am also not saying that it is a sure-fire place to hear from God. Sometimes you just won't. What I'm am saying is that I think you need to put yourself in a position of listening. For me I think that going back to church for a little while is one of the things I need to do right now to put myself in that position.

So what's the problem now?

Life without church, this is just called life for many people. However, being raised in a strong Christian, southern family church has always been a part of my life. Life without church is unacceptable. Not just because of how I was raised, but the society I live in and the company I keep. In many circles one gets to know someone by asking them about their family or where they work. My type of people? We ask, “So where do you go to church?”

When I first started looking for a church, “I’m looking for a church right now” was an acceptable answer when church came up in conversation. After 7 months of looking for a church and yet not finding one it just sounds like I’m not trying. I am trying. Everyone else seems so happy at their church. It isn’t that I want to be alone in my churchless-ness.

I even went as far as prematurely posting a few weeks ago that I thought I had found my church. I thought I did. I had one of the best Sundays since my church hunting started, I went to Sunday school and people actually talked to me and I felt the lesson was really good. I went to service and worshiped through the singing and the message. I love this church because of everything they do in the community without even trying to bring the focus on them or “fill the pews”. They received more money than budgeted last year, even in these hard financial times, and in the weeks I visited there I never heard them make a push for giving. The pastor is on fire for the Lord and preaches more than the same old thing. I was sold.

I invited a posse to come with me to church the next week; I had a friend with me in Sunday school (where no one spoke to us and the lesson was not good) and three friends with me in service. The service I still thought was good, but seemed to bore the people with me (if you 3 are reading this, don’t try to deny it :). However, this isn’t really what is making me question my “decision”.

I knew this church was traditional (for lack of a better word), but I heard a few things that Sunday that actually go against what I believe the Bible teaches. Not big salvation things, but those things that even the strongest of Christians never agree on. Plus everyone in the singles group seemed really young and I realized that this was still not exactly my group of people. All of this seems really nit-picky, right? It is, I know. I don’t think this church is really the problem. I think the problem is me. I am really trying to find a church, but I can’t find what I want. Plus, I’m just so tired of church that even the really great ones seem lacking to me somehow.

Through all of this churchless-ness I realized that I’m kind of having an identity crisis. And by “kind of” I mean I am! During the great week at Sunday school we talked about spiritual gifts and how each person is made differently but for the same purpose, to glorify God. We are to fit together like pieces of a machine (or... a body) with each piece having its own function, but only when all the pieces are assembled does the machine work correctly.

I’ve studied this before, but I loved how the class flowed and how everyone seemed to have something to add and how excited they were about being the body of Christ. Through all of this I keep thinking about the gifts God has given me and how I use them. I love to teach, to disciple. Nothing makes me happier than to have a small group to lead and walk with. This is one of the things I’ve been called to do. It was the one thing at my old church that I got a lot of. Even when other things were going wrong in this area I felt complete and fulfilled. Now I have gone 7 months without some place to serve in this way. I’m at the point where I just want to pick any church with a youth group I can serve in because I don’t know who I am when I’m not in this position of shepherding.

I have known for a little while that this was going on inside me, I feel like I have been called to minister and I have no place to do it. I know that the church is not the only place to do this, but it is where I know how to do it. I was thinking all of this during Sunday school when one of the women in the class made a wonderful statement. In paraphrase she said,
“We have to remember though, that no matter what gifts God has given us we can’t place our identity in those gifts. We aren’t our gifts and we aren’t even what we do for God. Our identity is in Christ alone.”

Here I am wondering around trying to find somewhere to serve, yes because I want to do this for God and for His people, but also because I don’t know who I am without this. As if my service is what makes me, me? As if without this God can’t use me? As if without this I am anything less than a child of the King? As if.

This doesn’t bring me any closer to finding a church or deciding if finding a church is what I should do right now, but it did kind of slap some sense into me. Yes, life without church is hard on me right now, but it is my life with Christ that really matters. I think I need to start putting more of a focus on that.