Is this it?

In one of my earliest church hunting blogs I said something to the effect of, "I don't know what I'm looking for, but I hope to know when I find it". Well, I have come to believe this is a very poor search technique. How can you find anything of value when you don't even know what you are looking for? Chance? I think not.

Then I had to ask myself what am I looking for? Of course this must be keep in the light of not just looking for a church to satisfy me, but where God can best use me. However, I know from experience that if you are serving at a church that isn't compatible it is very hard to serve the Lord very long before getting seriously burnt out and maybe even disillusioned.

So where does this leave me? I need to know what I'm looking for and also be sensitive to where God may be calling me. I want a church that says what it means and means what it says. A church that throws tradition out the freakin' window, but still has good sound doctrine. And I want a church where I can serve, where I can use the gifts God has given me to bring glory to Him!

Yes, I do indeed want to be called by God to where I can serve Him best, but what if I don't feel called anywhere? What if I have visited several good churches filled with people who love the Lord and are serving Him, but I still fill like I could take 'em or leave 'em? In the words of my sister Ryan, "Meh" (accompanied with a shoulder shrug).

I mentioned earlier that serving somewhere you aren't called may leave you disillusioned. Well, that was me a few months ago, burnt out, disillusioned and a little bitter. I feel I'm getting better now, healing up nicely. But that dissolution has morphed into something else, it has become a deep desire to not do church the normal way anymore. To not "do church" at all. I'm not saying I don't want to find a local church body to attend, but I just can't imagine where that would be when most churches I visit (even the great ones) do so much just because... this is what you do at church.

I love tradition. I love that ever year my family cuts down our own Christmas tree. I love that on Birthdays we take pictures holding up enough fingers to show how old that person is. Tradition can be good, comfortable, it can bring people together. However tradition can also become stale, exclusive, and meaningless. Is it me or are churches today filled with meaningless and exclusive traditions? I'm a little afraid that I want something that isn't there.

I was talking to someone the other day and found myself telling them how bored I was with church. Bored with the teaching, the singing, and the staleness. I don't actually think the church I've been going to is stale; it is just feeling that way to me. I feel sacrilegious saying I'm bored with church, but I can't help question, why do all these churches look so much the same? Why can't I hear things in sermons that I haven't heard before? Why can't church be different? There are so many different kinds of people why do all churches just look like variations of each other?

This blog is mostly me just questioning, I really don't have the answers. I know that if what I want in a a church isn't actually available to me that doesn't give me license to forsake Christian fellowship all together.

I think I need to have an extended time of prayer over this. And I know that I am not the only person of my generation that deals with this problem. I know too many Christians not going to church at all, too many people my age giving up on God altogether, to think I'm the only one struggling here. I guess I'd just ask that you pray for us. It is a very confusing out there. Here are all these people like me who feel disconnected by the very institution that is meant to bring us together.

I guess my final question is this: Have people who given up on church “forsaken” the assembly of believers, or has the church “forsaken” these people?

“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.” Hebrews 10: 23-25

Detour

My alarm went off on time, I just didn’t get up or hit snooze, I just turned it off. Don’t know what I was thinking, but I guess I expected to just miraculously wake up. As it was, I woke up pretty much when I should have been getting in the car to go to Church #4. I literally got ready for church in 5 minutes and just felt grateful I had already printed out directions beforehand. I love walking into a new church looking like I have a hangover. Nice.

To make things more difficult, on my way to church I had to forgo the previously printed directions because of a big reddish-orange sign in my way, it read: “Detour”. Sigh. Needless to say I got to Church #4 a little late.

Church # 4 was nothing like I expected. First of all I felt like I was walking into a miniature mall or a large movie theater. I had no idea it was so big until I got there and walked down the stairs to the worship center while a big light projected the sermon series title on the wall above the worship center doors. Good Sunday to look like (as my mother would say) “a poor orphan child”.

As far as what I thought about Church #4? I thoroughly enjoyed the sermon. I mean I felt like the Lord was using this pastor to talk directly to me. He spoke about God’s glory coming out of our hardships. Not in an oppressive “God wants bad things to happen to you so He can look good” kind of way, but a comforting “God is in control” kind of way. I wish I could go to church some Sunday without crying, but that is looking impossible.

If I was going to be nitpick-y about things I’d say I was unimpressed by the “special music” numbers. Not that they weren't done well, I just hate… hum that is a strong word… I just have an aversion to “special music”. I want us all to worship together and I hate (yeah, hate works here) anything that seems like a performance at church. I’m not saying this church had the spirit of performance, just that I’m gun-shy about that. I had a bad experience!

After crying at Church # 4 I got in my car and drove to Church #3. Visiting their second service this week. Want to know the best part of my morning? Those 25 minutes or so in my car between churches listening to and singing with worship music on the radio in my car. I swear to you that those moments of worship just between me and my Lord are just as much “church” as anywhere that I am visiting.

Church # 3 gave me a name tag again, but besides that it seemed like a different church. The worship team was different, the people were younger, and I promise the room was brighter. I wasn’t prepared for such a difference between services. In fact it was so different I am calling the second service Church # 3.0. Again though, it felt good to be among the people of God. I got another good sermon, a reminder that we all fit together as the body of Christ. Which brings me to a question: Is each individual church “The body of Christ”? To hear pastors talk you would think so. Or could one church be a hand, while another church is a foot and maybe we all need each other? Just a thought.

Anyway, despite two services pointing towards our wonderful savior I went home feeling kind of down. A feeling that I’m still struggling with today. I feel like there are plenty of good churches to go to, but I don’t know where I belong! I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I guess eventually I’m just going to have to make a choice and pray that it is where God wants me, even if I don’t have that emotional tug I was hoping for.

I feel like my life is taking a little detour of its own. But instead of clearly marked orange signs with arrows telling me how to get back to the road I need, I just have ambiguous signs that could point anywhere. So what do I do? I really don’t’ know. But I’m going to pray about it. I have one more church for sure that I want to visit. So next week I’m on to Church #5 and I think I’ll even have a friend who is also looking for a church join me, so that will be nice. Until then I’m going to just trust that God knows where this detour is going, even if I don’t.