It has been about 7 months since I left... quit... stopped going to? my old church. Or that is, it has been about 7 months since I've had a church home. That wording seems to work.
Meaning approximately 7 months or 210 days or 28 Sundays or 11 churches latter, I still don't have a church I call my own.
I stopped blogging about my church hunting experience for roughly two of those months because I had lost my enthusiasm about visiting churches.
I have had some odd experiences though, for example, I went to church one Sunday and didn't stay because there was literally no place to park. On another Sunday I got to a church I'd been excited about visiting and walked in to find about 5 people milling about this huge church, it was like the twilight zone, I was afraid the rapture had occurred and me and these 5 Baptist were left behind. Weird.
I still drag myself out of bed on Sunday mornings and go to church, but really have had nothing to say about it. Maybe I’ll visit a new church or maybe I’ll go back to one I've been to before, sometimes I don't decided until my alarm clock goes off.
In short, recently I’ve been more zealous about where I'm eating lunch after church than where I am going to service. (Fuzzy's Tacos anyone?)
This languid attitude started changing just before Christmas. I had heard conflicting reports about a church I was interested in. However, I decided to drive the 40 minutes to get there when a friend of mine who has basically given up on church and possibly on God told me that it was one church she might actually go to. That sounded good to me. We’ll call this “Church # 11”.
When I first started visiting new churches I was so starved for spiritual food that I was on a church high, crying at services, loving the worship and feeling like I could conquer the world. This emotion was eventually depleted and I was left feeling extremely skeptical of churches and Christians. I've been saying for months, "I don't have a problem with God, but I'm finding it hard to like His people". Or like Gandhi said, "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." I’ve felt like a ticking time bomb, at any moment I was going to give up on church all together.
I can't say that I'm completely over this feeling. I don't think I understood, or still understand how deeply I was hurt. Or the extent of the scares inflicted by fellow believers! However, I will say that while at Church #11 one Sunday I looked around at the people near me, people I didn't know and didn't meet and thought to myself, "How nice to be in a room full of people who love God. I may not ever know them, but we have the same Father!" I surprised myself with this previously unheard of compassion for fellow church goers.
Since then I have started going back to a church nearer me because 40 minutes was just too long of a drive. However, I don't know if it was Church #11, or just timing, or the Christmas spirit, but I'm glad that I had that little moment or joy with my fellow believers. I needed it.
With all of the above being said it was actually something that happened last Sunday that made me figuratively pick back up the blogging pen.
During the infamous meet-n-greet time at a church we will call “Church #10”, something strange happened, the person I was sitting next to introduced himself to me! I know this shouldn't be a big deal, but in all this time I have had only ONE other person introduce themselves to me without my introducing myself first. People say, "hello" or "good morning" but then they are pretty much done with you.
While still reeling from his introduction this intrepid person did something rather shocking. I am not exaggerating when I state that this is the first time in 7 months of church hunting that this has happened to me... the guy invited me to life group! Holy crud. He asked me if this was my first Sunday, I told him I was a basically a regular because I had been there twice (oh how very witty) and he told me about the singles group that met before 2nd service and said I should come. Then (yes, there is even more) at the end of the service he gave me the website for their singles group so I could get all the info and said he hoped he'd see me there.
I can't overstate what a big deal this is, or how sad it is that it is a big deal! So obviously, I will be going to the the singles group next week before "big church". Really it was amazing what that one act of consideration did for my morning. I went from thinking how annoying it is when the choir and/or worship team wears matching colors, to thinking that I should start "assuming good intent" when I go to churches.
Meaning that instead of assuming the worship team is all about themselves and performance I should assume that they are actually worshiping since I have no reason to believe otherwise. My whole church experience changed, I listen to the sermon and took notes and made myself think of two things I liked about the place for everyone thing I didn't like (sorry, I still have a hard time making the negative Nancy in my head hush).
When the morning was over I had a little bit of the exuberance I had when I first started church hunting. Just because someone took less than 5 minutes to make me feel wanted! Between that and the gradual lessening of my resistance against others believers I feel like God is slowly but surely doing a work in my heart. Maybe all this disappointment and over-cautiousness will turn into something healthy and powerful. I hope so.
Meaning approximately 7 months or 210 days or 28 Sundays or 11 churches latter, I still don't have a church I call my own.
I stopped blogging about my church hunting experience for roughly two of those months because I had lost my enthusiasm about visiting churches.
I have had some odd experiences though, for example, I went to church one Sunday and didn't stay because there was literally no place to park. On another Sunday I got to a church I'd been excited about visiting and walked in to find about 5 people milling about this huge church, it was like the twilight zone, I was afraid the rapture had occurred and me and these 5 Baptist were left behind. Weird.
I still drag myself out of bed on Sunday mornings and go to church, but really have had nothing to say about it. Maybe I’ll visit a new church or maybe I’ll go back to one I've been to before, sometimes I don't decided until my alarm clock goes off.
In short, recently I’ve been more zealous about where I'm eating lunch after church than where I am going to service. (Fuzzy's Tacos anyone?)
This languid attitude started changing just before Christmas. I had heard conflicting reports about a church I was interested in. However, I decided to drive the 40 minutes to get there when a friend of mine who has basically given up on church and possibly on God told me that it was one church she might actually go to. That sounded good to me. We’ll call this “Church # 11”.
When I first started visiting new churches I was so starved for spiritual food that I was on a church high, crying at services, loving the worship and feeling like I could conquer the world. This emotion was eventually depleted and I was left feeling extremely skeptical of churches and Christians. I've been saying for months, "I don't have a problem with God, but I'm finding it hard to like His people". Or like Gandhi said, "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." I’ve felt like a ticking time bomb, at any moment I was going to give up on church all together.
I can't say that I'm completely over this feeling. I don't think I understood, or still understand how deeply I was hurt. Or the extent of the scares inflicted by fellow believers! However, I will say that while at Church #11 one Sunday I looked around at the people near me, people I didn't know and didn't meet and thought to myself, "How nice to be in a room full of people who love God. I may not ever know them, but we have the same Father!" I surprised myself with this previously unheard of compassion for fellow church goers.
Since then I have started going back to a church nearer me because 40 minutes was just too long of a drive. However, I don't know if it was Church #11, or just timing, or the Christmas spirit, but I'm glad that I had that little moment or joy with my fellow believers. I needed it.
With all of the above being said it was actually something that happened last Sunday that made me figuratively pick back up the blogging pen.
During the infamous meet-n-greet time at a church we will call “Church #10”, something strange happened, the person I was sitting next to introduced himself to me! I know this shouldn't be a big deal, but in all this time I have had only ONE other person introduce themselves to me without my introducing myself first. People say, "hello" or "good morning" but then they are pretty much done with you.
While still reeling from his introduction this intrepid person did something rather shocking. I am not exaggerating when I state that this is the first time in 7 months of church hunting that this has happened to me... the guy invited me to life group! Holy crud. He asked me if this was my first Sunday, I told him I was a basically a regular because I had been there twice (oh how very witty) and he told me about the singles group that met before 2nd service and said I should come. Then (yes, there is even more) at the end of the service he gave me the website for their singles group so I could get all the info and said he hoped he'd see me there.
I can't overstate what a big deal this is, or how sad it is that it is a big deal! So obviously, I will be going to the the singles group next week before "big church". Really it was amazing what that one act of consideration did for my morning. I went from thinking how annoying it is when the choir and/or worship team wears matching colors, to thinking that I should start "assuming good intent" when I go to churches.
Meaning that instead of assuming the worship team is all about themselves and performance I should assume that they are actually worshiping since I have no reason to believe otherwise. My whole church experience changed, I listen to the sermon and took notes and made myself think of two things I liked about the place for everyone thing I didn't like (sorry, I still have a hard time making the negative Nancy in my head hush).
When the morning was over I had a little bit of the exuberance I had when I first started church hunting. Just because someone took less than 5 minutes to make me feel wanted! Between that and the gradual lessening of my resistance against others believers I feel like God is slowly but surely doing a work in my heart. Maybe all this disappointment and over-cautiousness will turn into something healthy and powerful. I hope so.
Meagan,
ReplyDeleteI am so thankful for this guy who introduced himself and invited you to something more personal. I'm even more thankful that there is a shift in what it is you're seeing. Tim loves worshipping with a larger group of people. Often during the week he feels like he is the ONLY believer (at work) and participating with 1,000 people during worship lifts his spirit!
I'm praying you find that place that feels like home here. You need that, and more importantly, they need you. Love you!