A Response To A Mother's Note To Teenage Girls

I haven't blogged in such a long time, but there is an article going around Facebook that made me pick up my metaphorical pen again. Here are my thoughts.

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I read a blog post recently, written by a kind and well-meaning mother. She tries to address the issue of modesty on social media sites. Her perspective was one of a mother looking out for her teenage sons' best interest. While I applaud any parent who will take the time to monitor what their kids are doing online, many of the points made in this article offended me so much that I had to take a moment away from the computer to gather my thoughts into a response.

I will start with this: I am not advocating young people, male or female, to post compromising pictures of themselves online. We should all be very careful what we post on social media sites because you never know who will see it.  With that being said, here are my main problems with the blog post that I read.

1. Is a woman's body a body or a trap for men?

The blog post I read is addressed to teenage girls that the writer's sons know online. It talked about teenage girls posting pictures of themselves in PJs (sans a bra) or wrapped only in a towel.  Not only that, but these girls apparently were standing in ways meant to be seductive, or sexy; the “extra-arched back" and "sultry pout" being among these girls offenses.

Here's the problem with this, though.  Putting the blame solely on a female who shows her body or stands a certain way or makes a particular facial expression is wrong.  Seeing a woman in one of these positions and thinking,  “she has done something wrong”, “she should be ashamed” or “she should change her behavior” is a symptom of a larger problem.  

This just reinforces the idea that a woman should be ashamed of her body. That she constantly has to be ultra aware of where she places her hand, or how she leans over, or if she is biting her lips because suddenly a woman isn't just a person, she is a thing, a weapon, a temptation.

It doesn't matter that she is just living in the body given to her. No, she needs to be careful, be wise, be cautious, because her body isn't just a body, it is a sex symbol. And with this you have taken the female's humanity away from her.

I am not saying that these young women didn't purposefully pose in ways that made them feel sexy. In fact, I am sure many of them did. But were the photos explicit? Were they sent to the teenage boys with a written message to come and get some? No. Sometimes a girl wants to look and feel attractive. This doesn't mean that you get to shame her for it.

2. The blame game

No matter what you think of young ladies posting pictures of themselves online and how much is too much or too little to post, I think we need to take a step back and understand the real question here, who is at fault for what?

The mom in this article is concerned because her teenage boys see these pictures and she doesn't want them to have these images in their minds. Okay... why? Because the image of a girl in her PJ’s without a bra is an evil, in and of itself? Or because of what young guys think of when they see these pictures? I'd have to go with the second one.

A young guy sees a picture of a girl and finds it sexy or attractive and all of a sudden his mind goes somewhere else. I won't go into detail about where his mind goes... we all know. But here's the thing. It is not the girl thinking these lustful thoughts. She did not force him to objectify her or think of her in that way.

It is the guy in this scenario who has taken things too far. It is the guy who doesn't have control over his thoughts and maybe his eventual actions, but it is the girl who gets blamed!

The mother in the article even asks the question, "You don’t want our boys to only think of you in this sexual way, do you?" No, they probably don't. But apparently a female is an object and a male is no more than an animal completely devoid of self-control.

If you put a piece of meat in front of a lion it will devour it. If you put a picture of a scantily clad girl in front of a guy he must fantasize about what he wants to do with said girl. And with this you have taken the male's humanity away from him.

Why didn't this mom write a blog about teaching her teenage boys to not think of women as objects? Teach them to not relate everything to sex? Can these guys not handle that? No, I am sure they can. Stop molding our young men into people who have no control over their thoughts and actions.

In one of her closing paragraphs this mom says, "We are hoping to raise men with a strong moral compass, and men of integrity don’t linger over pictures of scantily clad high-school girls." So, then teach them to not! Because it doesn't matter how many girls you block on social media sites you are going to find scantily clad females posing in sexy ways everywhere. So teach your young men to see women as people, not things.

3) Double standards

The really ironic thing about this article is that it had several pictures of this mother's teenage boys in nothing but a swimsuit posing on the beach, which had nothing to do with the topic at hand.

Were they scantily clad? Yes.

Were they posing seductively? I don't know, how does a man pose seductively?  Not by pushing out his hip or making pouty faces like a girl. Maybe he does it by showing his muscles and looking into the camera sternly? This was exactly what these guys were doing.

And honestly, I saw nothing wrong with these pictures, and neither did the mom because even after someone pointed this out she didn't take the pictures down, she just made a second post with the same article and different pictures if you'd rather read that one.  Why? Because men's bodies aren't usually seen as objects that are only there to tempt someone or fulfill someone else's desires.  Men are seen as people... That is, when they aren't seen as hormone driven animals with no self-control.

I've heard this one before...

Photo Credit Seph Robinson

"A penny saved is a penny earned."

"Good things come to those who wait."

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." 

Ah, we have all heard a million proverbs and sayings and feel good expressions. They comfort us and give us insight. Sometimes they just make things easier to explain or they defend a point we are trying to make. "Anything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger", is a particular favorite of mine.

As Christians we have our own set of verses that we use as clichés and platitudes. We use these verses without really thinking about what they mean, where they come from or whom they were originally meant for. And we don't just use these verses as sayings we claim them as promises. 

What I am wondering is when we "claim" "promises" from the Bible, do we really know what the passage means? And is it really a promise for us? 

For example what about the well loved and prosaic Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."? We as Christians love this verse.

Someone having a bad day? A bad week? A bad year? Well here is Jeremiah 29:11!

Someone struggling to find God's will for their life? Jeremiah 29:11!

Someone graduating from High School/College? Jeremiah 29:11!

Someone going through a loss? Jeremiah 29:11!

It is handy, encouraging and poetic, how can we not love this verse? How could it possibly not apply to us in our current situation? It has to be talking about me because I want it to be talking about me, right?

Now before you get angry or think I'm being flippant let me explain I am not necessarily saying that this verse doesn't apply to the above situations... I just wonder why we assume it does instead of researching it ourselves. 

We should know the Bible and its context instead of taking one pretty verse here and one pretty verse there and sprinkling them around like fairy dust and happy thoughts.

Can you tell me what the rest of Jeremiah 29 says? (some of you are shouting, "Yes I can actually!" which is great, but I certainty couldn't have). So for those of you who don't know (like I didn't), Go read Jeremiah 29:1-23. It is a letter from Jeremiah "to the elders, priests, prophets, and all the people who had been exiled to Babylon by King Nebuchadnezzar."[1] 

Basically at this time, much of Israel has been exiled by a heathen King and are no longer inhabiting the Holy Land, there are a bunch of false prophets and such telling the Israelites what is going on, but Jeremiah is writing to them to set the story straight, [2]

So this passage is a letter to exiled Israel, God's chosen people. 

This letter does a few main things. It gives a great deal of instruction as to what Israel should do while in exile, it gives warnings to the nation of Israel (false prophets remember), it tells of Israel's future, and it gives Israel promises. 

The promise part is the passage we like to quote. The "I know the plans" and the "future and a hope" parts. But what about the rest? Why is it that we assume Jeremiah 29:11 is talking about us, right now, in the 21st century?

If this passage is talking to us shouldn't we also obey the commands given in it? Shouldn't we "build homes, and plan to stay", "Plant gardens, and eat the food they produce" shouldn't we "marry and have children." and "multiply!". [3]

Not that these are bad things at all, but are we, right now, in the 21st century being commanded to do these things?

What about the prophecies in Jeremiah 29? Are we going to "be in Babylon for seventy years" before our exile ends? That doesn't even make sense for us today, so we skim over that part.

What about the parts of the letter talking about the kings of the day or the prophets it mentions by name? This is a very detailed letter written to a very specific people in a very distinct time. So why do we assume the good parts apply to us? Why do I think God is telling me right now that He is going to prosper me?

I'm not saying this verse isn't meant for us now, I am just honestly asking why we assume it does when the rest of the passage is clearly talking to exiled Jews living in 625-536 BC? Do we claim this verse because of course God has a future and a hope for us? Or because we are modern day Israel? Or because Christians have always used it this way?

I don't mean to pick on this verse alone. It was the first example I thought of when it came to taking particular verse and using it because it sounds good. I am wary of taking a verse or so of scripture that is part of a fuller passage and using it to mean what I hope it means.  

I guess I understand if you believe this verse is meant for us because God having a future and a hope for us is true to His character. Of if you know this verse is backed up by other verses and references to God's love and plans for us. That's good, that means you are studying the whole of God's words instead of picking at it like a child only eating the parts of the meal she likes. 

See I sometimes struggle with God's plans for my life so I want to know that God's promises to in His word are for me because I've studied them. I want to know what verses are really meant for me because God intended it, not just because Christians like to use them as taglines or clichés. 

What about you? Don't you want to know what God is telling you from His word? Instead of what people are telling you God is telling you from His word? I guess in the end, I think it is okay to question the Christian cliché, because God's word is meant to be so much more than that. 

** Side note: I wrote this at a very late hour... or early depending on how you look at it, so please ignore the ramblingness of it and the typos. 

A Great Youth Intern

The youth intern, a rare and valuable creature often mistaken for a gopher, an administrative assistant, or... you know, one of the youth. 

While not all youth ministries have one of these amazing people, they all should. I liken the hard-working and under-appreciated youth intern to Jayne Cobb from Firefly; no one realizes how important he is to the crew... except that Jayne was kind of a moral-less scallywag and therefore a bad example.

Let's try this again; I liken the hard-working and under-appreciated youth intern to Chewbacca from Star Wars. Yes, we all know he is funny and loyal and everything, but do we realized how much Han Solo and the rest of the team need him? (That's right youth ministers I just threw you a bone and let you be Han Solo).

The big problem is that most people don't know what a youth intern does (or what a youth pastor really does for that matter)... so let's shed a little light on this mysterious figure.

7 Things A Great Youth Intern Does:

7. Agrees with the Youth Minister.
- No I don't mean that a good youth intern is a "yes man" a good youth pastor wouldn't want them to be. However, a youth intern does support their youth pastor when the chips are down and they don't tell everybody when they think the youth pastor is wrong. This is kind of a bid deal. The youth intern will often be heard to say, "Yeah, I think Josh is right... and awesome!" (Yes, "Josh" is my go to youth pastor name)

6. Become the older sibling
- The "kids" will often think of the youth intern as their older sibling, which pretty much rocks. However, this means that the youth intern needs to be ready to go to as many sports games, choir performances and high school musicals as possible. A youth intern who goes to these events is "so cool!" This also means they get to be around when the students need someone to open up to which really is "so cool!"

5. Is the back up... everything
- The youth intern should always be ready to give an answer for the hope that is within them. In this case, the hope of someday being more than a youth intern. In doing this a youth intern should always be ready to teach a small group, Sunday school or youth group lesson. You never know when the opportunity may arise!

4. Games.
- Games, games and more games. The youth pastor will get in on this too, but most likely if your youth group has a youth intern they are the ones you'll find dressed up as a toilet paper bride or stuffing 10 Twinkies in their mouth. More ways to humiliate your youth intern can be found here.

3. Never sleeps

- None of the youth leaders really expect to get much sleep during camp, on mission trips or during the infamous lock-in (ugh, I just got chills), but the youth intern should pretty much kiss any hopes of sleep goodbye! The more you try the less you will get.

Instead of sleeping the youth intern should be prepared to deal with; sick students, missing students, students angry with you, students angry with Josh, students angry with each other, students sneaking off to make-out, home-sick students and various prayer opportunities and crisis defusing situations. Oh wait! And my favorite, youth leaders angry at other youth leaders. Don't worry it will all end in "cry night" at the end of the week where everything is made right.

2. Becomes the extra brain
- Admittedly the youth intern shares this task with the youth pastor's wife. But whenever Josh can't find or remember something the youth intern better be ready to make up an answer... I mean have a solution!

1. Cheerleads
-"What!? You got a B- on you math finale? Ahhhh! That's awesome!"
"What!? That girl you like said yes when you asked her out? Ahhhh! That's awesome!"
"What!? You won your basketball game? Ahhhh! That's awesome!"
"What Josh!? You have lessons ready for two weeks in a row!? Ahhhh! That's awesome!"
You get the picture.

Okay, that is my list. Please take a moment to go hug a youth intern, youth worker or youth pastor. Trust me, they need it.

What do you think a youth intern or a youth pastor needs to be prepared for?

A funny thing happened...

A funny thing happened at the bookstore the other day.

Some friends and I were hanging at a Christian bookstore (because that is what all the cool kids are doing) when we notice a disturbing amount of what I can only call, “theme bibles”.

First it was, The Woman’s Bible which I assume has more than two books in it named after women. The books of Esther, Ruth, Mary and Elizabeth.

The Men’s Bible, which I would guess smells like motor oil and contains the prophet Samuel’s secret recipe for BBQ sauce.

The Children’s Bible, I know this one, it has a blue eyed Precious Moments Jesus in it. I had that Bible as a kid.

These Bibles seemed odd to me (isn’t the Bible the same for everyone?), but then things got really weird. We found the following Bibles:

The Fireman’s Bible which I would guess puts a new spin on the fire and brimstone type passages.

The Nurse’s Bible which reminds nurses not everyone can heal the blind, but they can try.

I know I must have driven my friends crazy. I kept pulling out Bibles and saying things like, “Oh. My. Gosh. Look at this one. I don’t understand.” Obviously, it had been too long since I’d been in a Christian bookstore and my friends probably won’t take me out in public for a while.

My favorite might have been The Sportsman’s Bible which clearly must teach you how to extinguish the fiery darts of the wicked one and bag a four point deer.

Don’t even get me started on the comic book Bible.

I grew up reading the good old New King James Version of the Bible.

Most of my Bible memorization was done in the NKJV or the King James version (Yay! AWANAs in the 1990s). I like the NKJV, I think it is majestic and graceful in its own right, but when I first dived into the Word of God in the New Living Translation things changed.

It was 2006 at the Passion Conference in Nashville, TN – alone in my hotel room reading from my brand new- compact-two-toned blue-NLT Bible. I was reading a familiar passage in Psalms and tears started rolling down my face. I had never read the Bible like someone was writing it just for me. I’ve been hooked on the NLT ever since.

All of that to say I understand finding a Bible version that speaks to you… I have come to love NASB and ECV. I love reading a passage and then rereading it in a different translation. However, all of that is different than the making the Bible a tend. You know what I mean, you've seen them in you local buy-a-Bible store “Bible for Graduates” or “The Drag Racer’s Bible” (okay, I made that one up).

I guess the problem I have is with people selling the word of God. People advertising, marketing and making it sexy or more interesting. This is the Word of God! It doesn't need to be dressed up or pimped out.

If you are reading this and love your “Bible for New Mothers” I’m not trying to get on to you. However, while walking around the book store it seemed to me, the whole spicing up the Bible and giving it themes was done to make money, not to actually help the sportsman get into the Word of God.

I don’t like seeing the Bible fall prey to branding games. In the end though, if someone has a friend who is a nurse and gives her The Nurse’s Bible and she actually reads it because of that, then I’m happy for her. And maybe when they make a movie lover’s Bible or something that appeals to me I’ll change my tune…. But I doubt it.

When music tells you what you are thinking

Sometimes when things are a regular part of my life I assume they are a regular part of other peoples' lives as well. I could be wrong though, I could be like those people who see letters in specific colors and for years don’t realize that most people don’t see letters in specific colors, we just see them the regular boring way. Uh… yeah, that was a real relatable example.

In any case, I have no idea if this happens to anyone else, but sometimes I’ll be listening to (or more likely singing along with) a song and I’ll have to stop and think about what I just sang. Suddenly, it is like the lyrics of the song have just told me what I really think about something.

For example, over a year ago I was struggling with the idea of leaving my home church of the past 10 something years. I loved it there and was miserable there at the same time. I didn’t know if I really wanted to leave or not, or if God wanted me to stay or go.

Then I started singing along in my car (which is where most of my awesome singing goes down) to a *Lenka song and I realized everything I was singing I was directing towards my church. That probably sounds really strange seeing as the song is about a breakup… but hey, true story.

It was seriously like Lenka had crawled into my head, figured out how I really felt about the situation, wrote this song, put it on a CD and made sure I listened to it. But let’s be real, Lenka is awesome, but she’s not omnipotent.

God is omnipotent. I’m not saying God had some Australian songwriter write a song just for me, but I do believe God uses all kinds of things to talk to us and get our attention. I have a friend who told me once that every time she saw little yellow flowers God was telling her, “I love you”. Little yellow flowers are pretty, but they don't mean that much to me, but they meant something to her. In my case, as many times in my life, God used a song— a secular song even, to talk to me. (Actually, He uses Lenka songs with me often, her love song “Don’t let me fall” turns into a worship song/prayer every time I hear it).

Not that I didn't spend a LOT of time praying about my decision to leave my church, I did. But that song really opened my eyes to how I felt and what steps needed to be taken. God is so amazing I love that He speaks to me in my language.

Whether it is Mumford & Sons, Florence + The Machine or some good old David Crowder Band, music seems to be something God uses to talk to me. It this just me? Do songs ever tell you things about yourself you weren’t expecting?

I can’t be the only one this happens to, I don’t think it is like those lucky synesthetes, it think this must happen to lots of other people too. Or maybe it is something else God uses in your life. Whatever it is that God uses to speak to you I’d love to hear about it! Leave me a comment. I'd love to hear what God uses to reach out and talks to you.

Edit: * For those of you who have asked (no one asked), this is the Lenka song I sang about my church. Take it with a grain of salt, it wasn't a perfect comparison, but it made me realize what I already knew. 

Say what?

The other day, week, time... (so that no one can guess what event I'm talking about... yeah that will work) I was with a group of people praying and I kept being really amazed by what I heard.

Not amazed in a good way like, "Meagan, congratulations you won a trip to the Grammys!", but amazed in a bad way like, "Did you know that there are over 360 calories in one Starbucks muffin?"

I kept thinking, what are these people doing? Why would they pray that?! In fact, in my head, I kept saying, "No God, no. Don't do that." or "Disregard that one too!" This brought on a full-fledged prayer crisis moment. My thoughts went something like this:

If one person prays one thing, and then someone else prays against it (someone being me!) do the two prayers cancel each other out?

Does the prayer of the stronger Christian trump that of the weaker?

Who decides who is the weaker Christian?

I'm I comparing my faith to others' now?

Yes, I am. That's a real bad idea, I should stop that.

Okay, but if someone prays something so obviously wrong, God must ignore it anyway, right?

Do I ever pray things that are so obviously wrong?

Should I do the opposite of a prayer recognizer and instead of saying, "yes, Lord" out loud to this prayer should I say, "I rebuke that!"

If I did say, "I rebuke that!" would the older people in this group think I'm a disrespectful young person?

Am I going to have to whip out some 1 Timothy 4:12?

If I'm almost 30 am I even counted as a "young person" anymore?

Who really says, "I rebuke that!"

When it is my turn to pray I better make it good to make up for these other prayers.

Wait... is it my turn to pray?

In the end I didn't say anything about it. During the prayer time or after. But it did make me think about the things that we pray and how glad I am that God is far, far wiser then I am.

All of us probably have had times when we pray out of misguided beliefs, out of fear of man or out of doubt. Do these prayers just go unheard? Do they just drift through space without God paying them any heed because we aren't praying according to God's will? Absolutely not.

Even in those times when we pray things that maybe we shouldn't pray, God hears us. And guess what? It is even better than that. It isn't that God just hears these misguided prayers shakes His head and thinks, "Oh, there they go again" and does nothing. He knows what we should be praying and answers us accordingly!

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groaning too deep for words. And He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:26-28

There is no reason for me to tell God to disregard what someone else said. No reason for someone to fear the words that are spoken over them. No reason for me to think my prayer got trumped or that if we pray wrong God doesn't hear us.

The Holy Spirit who lives inside His people intercedes for us according to the will of God! This also gives me hope for those times when I have no words to pray at all. The Holy Spirit intercedes for us with groaning that are too deep for words!

I love God. He has thought of everything. He has covered all the bases, so even when we mess up, in Him, we still win.

What kind of prayer are you?

Recently I've been in several different places where we have prayed as a group. I really love that. Personal, private prayer time is wonderful, but praying with other believers is so encouraging. During these times of prayer though, I have noticed there are a handful of kind of prayers (as in pray-ers, people who pray). Most people fall into at least one of these groups; I have listed 7 kinds of prayer warriors that I've seen throughout my years in churches, Bible studies, and prayer groups. Is this a definitive list. Nope. It it completely accurate. Uh, no I just made it up. But maybe you can find a little of yourself on this list. I know where I am.

1) The person who doesn't pray out loud.
Some people don't like to pray out loud, which I think is perfectly acceptable. I mean we are praying to God and He doesn't need us to pray out loud. Besides the Bible warns us about using prayer for attention. Not praying out loud is a pretty safe bet against praying just so others can hear how masterfully you weave scripture into your prayer or how many beautiful Christian phrases you can use like, "traveling mercies", "please lead, guide, and direct", "hide me behind the cross" or the one I use the most, "put a hedge of protection around..." (because you know satan is really afraid of shrubbery). Yeah, so if you don't want to pray out loud, I'm not going to make you (though if no one does, it makes the prayer time... awkward). Maybe you could just be the next person on the list.

2) The prayer recognizer.
If you are doing any kind of pray around the circle or *popcorn prayer you really want at least one prayer recognizer. This is the person who says, "amen", "yes Lord" and other generally encouraging phrases and sounds as someone else prays out loud. I know this is wrong, and I'm putting myself out there saying this, but am I the only one who ever judges how good a prayer is by how many people "amen" during it? Yes! 5 amens and a hallelujah! I. Am. On. Fire!

3) The metaphorical prayer/the long prayer
This person is of the "more is better" philosophy. Their prayers last at least twice as long as everyone elses' prayers and are usually really pretty. They use words like, "propitiation" and "equivocation" and very often use metaphors in their prayers. "Like a child climbs up on it's fathers lap so we come to You". While these prayers can seem to *ahem* drag on I usually like them because I'm a picture person and they paint pictures. (Okay, okay I admit I've never heard a prayer with the word, "equivocation" in it).

4) The short and sweet
To explain this kind of prayer I'd like to just give an example. It goes something like this, "Dear Lord, you know all our needs and we place them in Your hands. Please continue to lead us to You." Boom! Done and done. And good! Trust God to do what He does. Can't argue with that. It is nice when this person sits next to #3.

5) The emotional prayer
This is the person who can barely make it through their prayer because they start to choke up. Or maybe they pray through the whole prayer just fine, but talk in "cry voice". I'm not saying that I am this person... but I am. I have little to no control over "cry voice", grrrr. However, (and the emotional prayer isn't necessarily going for this) this person often works very well with the prayer recognizer. Crying brings on the "yes, lord!", it just does.

6) The preachy prayer
This is the only one on the list that actually bugs me. I'm fine with a good sermon. And I'm fine with a good prayer. But don't give me a sermon prayer. You know what I mean, right? The person who takes it upon themselves to teach or preach to the people listening to them pray. They say things like, "because it is the child's duty to obey their parents, this is the kind of person the Lord wants you to be" or "remember that God rejects the proud and blesses the humble". I'm always like, wait... who are you talking to here? Cuz I thought you were talking to God and I think He knows this stuff already. *sigh*

7) The scripture prayer
This person is kinda the bomb-diggity. They usually pray with lots of spirit and talk louder and faster the longer the prayer goes on. They use some of their own words but mostly stick to praying straight out of God's word. I love this, as long as they are doing it to pray the authority of scripture and not to show off how much Bible they have memorized from their years in AWANA or Bible Drill or seminary or something.


Okay, this is the short list. I can think of a few other kind of prayers, but I'll stop while you might still be reading. What do you think? Are you on here? What other kinds of people should make the list? Tell me what you think.


*Popcorn prayer: This is where you just "pop in" when you want to pray, this is the less formal and more "spirit-lead" version of the pray around in a circle... but can be awkward when more than one person starts a prayer at the same time. (One at a time people, one at a time! That way God can make out what you're saying!)